Good Evening. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website!]
None of us suspected it, but it turns out that Lee Wallace is the biggest talent in present-day Scottish Football. In fact he might just be our greatest talent of all time!
The stunning news was revealed today by the BBC’s Chris McLaughlin following Wallace’s mesmerising press conference. And fair play to Chris for doing so. If I had been banned from Ibrox despite having given Neil Doncaster an unchallenged platform to hilariously assert that Sevco is the ‘same club’ as Rangers, I might feel a bit cheesed off. And I certainly wouldn’t feel like ‘bigging up’ any of their players.
But here is the big news for all to see:
Apparently Wallace is so accomplished that folk are now demanding he is DNA-tested to see if he is actually a clone of Frank Sinatra, Laurence Olivier, or Rudolph Nureyev. Or perhaps a grassy hybrid of all three… 😉
Clumpany sources confirm that Wallace did not simply turn up at the press conference today. He was preceded by firework-accompanied marching band, and had cheerleaders saluting his every utterance. What’s more, his performance concluded with a fly-past from the Red Arrows!
And as if the amazing spectacle of his public appearance wasn’t enough, the minute details of it caused jaws to drop.
It is no exaggeration to state that people across Scotland were accosting each other in the street to ask what manner of sorcery could result in someone thinking before they spoke!
Thankfully for Wallace, wise counsels prevailed and he wasn’t immediately tried for witchcraft. Which left him free to dazzle the press pack with even more astonishing feats.
Clumpany sources confirm that Wallace breathed in before speaking, AND breathed out afterwards too! What’s more, I can also confidently state that the Sevco captain actually blinked while speaking to the media!
Clumpaneers of a nervous disposition may not wish to read on, because the rest of this piece concerns the findings of undercover Clumpany operatives who have trailed Wallace for further insights into his genius…
If you are still reading, I can now tell you that Lee Wallace
- throws back the duvet before getting out of bed;
- turns on the water when having a shower;
- boils WATER in his kettle when making a cup of tea;
- unlocks the door before getting in his car;
- drives his car along ROADS to get to training; and
- kicks a football during his working day.
Given more time, The Clumpany hopes to confirm that Wallace isn’t routinely mistaken for a piece of turf during his day-to-day activities.😉
Watch this space.
Alternatively, take a look at BBC Scotland Sport for some real laugh-out-loud comedy.
NB The Clumpany has somehow made it through to the final of the Football Blogging Awards 2016, in the ‘Best New Blog’ catgegory! You can (and should!) vote again in the following ways:
- Completing the form on the FBA website by clicking here and selecting ‘The Clumpany’ from the appropriate drop-down menu.
- On twitter, by clicking here.
You can cast a vote on BOTH Twitter and the website.