Scottish Football

Gordon Strachan’s Film Reviews

Good Evening. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website!]

The next time that Leigh Griffiths is left on the subs bench by Scotland’s Tallest Man, he might like to pass the time by reading a new series of ‘Classic Movie Reviews’ which Gordon Strachan is preparing for publication. 

A short extract of this possibly imaginary book has made its way to Clumpany Towers, and I am delighted to present it for your information…


Star Wars: 0/10. Unrealistic. No credible Rebellion would trust galaxy-saving plans to a tiny droid like that. They should have given it to that huge robot from The Day The Earth Stood Still, instead. ‘Gort’ is a great name for a robot. Could easily be mistaken for ‘Gordon’. We are similar heights too.

The Empire Strikes Back: 0/10. Appalling. If Yoda had been a proper height more befitting of a Jedi Master he wouldn’t have ended up living in a swamp. Too short to coach apprentices too. A big thumbs down for the Dagobah youth system from me.

Return of the Jedi: 0/10. Abysmal. If you can’t destroy a bunker without relying on short-arsed teddy bears you deserve to get vaporised by fully operational-if-unfinished Death Star.

The Wizard of Oz: 0/10. Munchkins? Get off my Yellow Brick Road and don’t come back unless you can make a big contribution by looking me in the eye and saying ‘stop messing about and use the magic shoes’.

Goldfinger: 0/10. Oddjob? Aye pal, you will end up doing odd jobs if you aren’t able to get up for a header at a corner.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: 0/10. A full subs bench and they all need a ladder to be able to sit on it. Snow White definitely isn’t going to Russia 2018.

The Fellowship of the Ring: 0/10. The Shire? The Shite more like. Those Hobbits need a wizard to help carry a ring for Heaven’s sake! Get some bigger lads on the job!

The Borrowers: 0/10. Why isn’t it just about the big folk instead? The ‘Borrowers’ just remind me of the fuss when I didn’t pick any players from Ibrox.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: 0/10. Oompa Loompa? I don’t want to think about Scotland’s style of play while watching a film thank you very much.


The Clumpany is sure that Leigh Griffiths will find the book a great source of comfort as his striking talents go to waste on the international stage…


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