Good Evening. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website!]
Apparently Jim Traynor and Mark Warburton went out for a meal after this afternoon’s highly successful Sevco press conference. The Clumpany has seen a hastily-written transcript of their conversation, which may actually be entirely fictional and satirical: 😉
JT: “Well I thought that went well, Mark”
MW: “Did it, Jim?”
JT: “Yes. We showed them. Asking questions – repeatedly – about Joey Barton. We stopped them in their tracks”.
MW: “I thought I was doing OK, Jim. I was just going to keep saying ‘no comment’ until they asked about something else. It seemed the respectful thing to do”.
JT: “Mark. Listen to me. We can’t have the press asking questions that we’ve forbidden”.
MW: “But it was fine, Jim…”
JT: “No it wasn’t Mark. And that’s an end to it. They won’t mess us around next time”.
JT: “ENOUGH! Now, where’s the waiter? Ah, here he is…”
Waiter [to JT]: “What can I get you to drink, Sir?”
JT: “I’ll have a large mineral water please. Sparkling. Like my copy used to be!”.
Waiter [to MW]: “And what would you like Sir?”
JT: “Don’t ask him that question!”
Waiter [to JT]: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”
JT: “You heard. Don’t ask him that question”.
Waiter [to JT]: “Very well, Sir. Would you like to order your food now?”
JT: “No. We will take a few minutes to think, thank you”.
Waiter [to JT]: “Very well Sir. I can recommend the la…”
JT: “Stop right there! I’ve heard that so-called ‘joke’ every single time I have been in a restaurant since I wrote that article…”
Waiter [to MW]: “Are you sure I can’t get you anything, Sir”.
JT: “Did you not hear what I said? No questions!”
Waiter [to JT]: “As you wish”.
[*Waiter wanders off*]
JT: “That told him!”
MW: “I’m thirsty. Jim”.
JT: “I’ll let you have some of my water, Mark”.
JT: “Be quiet and look at the menu”.
[*Several minutes silently pass…*]
[*Waiter returns with mineral water*]
Waiter [to JT]: “There you go Sir. One mineral water. Now, can I take your order please?”
JT: “Yes, I’ll have the tomato soup, followed by the steak. Well done. Just like my copy always used to be!”
Waiter [to MW]: “And what would you like, Sir?”.
JT [*Exasperated*]: “Not this again! No questions please! He’s not going to answer you”.
MW: “I don’t mind, Jim”
JT: “Shush! Let me deal with the communications.”
Waiter [to JT]: “Sir, please! What would your respectful friend like to eat.”
JT: “Why are you asking me that?”
Waiter [to JT]: “So you can ask your friend what he would like to eat, and then I can ask the kitchen to prepare it for him”
JT: “Oh, it’s like that is it?! You want to get around my clear instructions by asking me to ask Mr Warburton some questions! Do I look like I was born yesterday?”
Waiter [*Desparingly to JT*]: “Sir, please. I just want you both to have a nice meal, and for that I need to ask what you would like to eat”
JT: “Ask?! There you go again! More questions. Can you just get on with bringing our order please?”
Waiter [to JT]: “But your friend…?”
JT: “Any more of this and we will leave”
Waiter [to JT]: “Very well Sir”.
[*Waiter heads to kitchens*]
[*A long silence ensues while JT drinks his water*]
MW: “I’m hungry, Jim…”
JT: “And it looks like you might stay that way, Mark. We can’t have these folk thinking they can just ask you any old questions.”
MW: “And I am thirsty, Jim”.
JT [*Looks at empty glass and shakes his head*]: “Will you please stop grumbling, Mark? I bring you to a nice restaurant and all you can do is complain! Now, try and enjoy yourself”.
[*A lengthy silence ensues*]
MW: “You know, I WOULD have just kept saying ‘no comment’ this afternoon”.
JT: “Oh not this again. Look Mark, it’s done. Let it go. The press have been put in their place and we have a nice meal to look forward to”.
MW: “I don’t. Have you got any Polos? I fancy something Minty.”
JT: “Are you taking the p*ss out of me?”.
MW: “No. I’m just hungry. And thirsty”.
JT: “Look. Here comes the waiter with my soup”
Waiter [to JT]: “One soup Sir…”
JT: “Thank you very much. Mmmm, this is very nice. You’d love it Mark.”
MW [*Forlornly*]: “Would I Jim? Would I?”
Waiter [to MW, enthusiastically]: “Yes you would Sir. YES. YOU. WOULD. I will get you some. And I didn’t even have to ask you a question, did I?!”
JT [*Stands up, looking annoyed, and steps towards the waiter*]: “Say that again, son. The last bit”
Waiter [*Squeakily*]: “I didn’t even have to ask you a question…”
JT: “Go on…”
Waiter: “Did… I…?”
JT: “Exactly! That was your final question. You were warned. We are leaving. Come on Mark. Mark! Now!”
MW [*Grabbing a bread roll from a nearby table as he follows JT out*]: “But I was going to say ‘no comment’, Jim! And I am hungry. And thirsty. Jim! Jim! Come back Jim!”
Should The Clumpany hear any more about Jim and Mark’s alleged culinary adventures, I will be sure to let you know.
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