Good Evening [And please vote ‘Clumpany’!]
People often* ask how I go about writing a Clumpany blog.
Well, I am happy to offer you a few pointers
1) Consider whether what you are reading/ watching/ listening-to seems ridiculous.
2) Remember that this is the Scottish football media we are talking about, so OF COURSE it is ridiculous; and move to step 3.
3) Determine whether it is ridiculous because
- it is mindless cheerleading of something Ibrox-related,
- it illustrates a media outlet completely failing to ask any serious questions, or actively ignoring an obviously important issue,
- it features an administrator making a complete fool of themselves (usually unwittingly),
- it is obviously clickbait poorly disguised as a serious piece of ‘news’,
- it makes a mountain out of a molehill (such as the speed or talent of the latest Sevco signing, or some new ‘evidence’ of Dave King having Mike Ashley on the run),
- it features a journalist making an absolute fool of themselves,
- it is in the Evening Shark-Jump; or
- all of the above
4) Take a very large swig of Buckie and Bleach cocktail. [NB for best blogging results DO NOT use supermarket ‘own brand’ bleach]
5) Deploy equal measures of surreal humour and indignation that our national sport is allowed to trundle on in a state of near (or actual) disrepute.
6) Exaggerate the ridiculous element of the ‘news’ story that you wish to mock.
7) Rant a bit.
8) Throw in some gratuitous and irrelevant references to an obscure bit of popular culture.
9) Rant a bit more.
10) Say ‘Sevco’ and ‘Ibrox clubs’ a lot to ensure a lively reaction.
11) Include some bizarre and pointless reworkings of people’s names, such as “His Big Mikeness”, “Baron Bouffant” and “Captain Conflicted”.
12) Randomly sneer at media outlets who have completely ignored the Offshore Game report.
13) Include a shameless request to ‘Vote Clumpany’ in the Football Blogging Awards 2016. [NB see above and below 😉]
14) End on a sarcastic note. The more sarcastic, the better.
And there you have it! Job done!
Of course, it helps if you have some good source material to work with. Such as the opinions which Neil Doncaster spouted today at the Leaders 2016 conference in London. When accosted by the press, he bemoaned the possible impact of UEFA’s proposed changes to the Champions League from 2018. As you already know, these will (in broad terms) make it more difficult for teams from ‘smaller’ nations to qualify for the group stages as a result of ‘bigger’ countries being given more guaranteed places.
Whilst Mr Doncaster clearly had a point, his commentary was somewhat undermined by the fact that it was uttered by Neil Doncaster.
It should never be forgotten that Mr Doncaster:
- did all he could to gerrymander Sevco into one of the top-two divisions in 2012, and was party to warnings of possible ‘Armageddon’ if it was not allowed to happen,
- saw the fatally-flawed LNS commission instructed and reporting on his watch,
- has suggested (by cherry picking and misrepresenting the LNS commission) that Sevco are the ‘same club’ as Rangers, and seems to view ‘clubs’ as SPFL franchises which can merely be owned and operated by a member of the league; and
- still hasn’t managed to extract the LNS fine (plus costs) from Sevco, some three years after it was levied!
When you bear the above in mind and see what Doncaster had to say – as reported by The Scotsman – you have absolutely perfect source material to write your own Clumpany blog!
“The decision, which is yet to be fully ratified, could see the Scottish champions miss out on qualification to what Doncaster claimed would become a ‘closed-shop’ Champions League competition.
‘The threat is very real, very significant’ he said at the Leaders 2016 conference held at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday. ‘We are only talking about the cycle of 2018-21 but the direction of travel that UEFA have embarked upon is a very dangerous route.
It threatens the very future of very top-level football and it is vital that a line is drawn in the sand now and the EPFL (European Professional Football Leagues) take the firm stand that is required and start the pulling back of the very damning proposals.
It is important to be a domestic champion club, that is the same across Europe, it is about access to the top-tier of European competitive football with the other champions of European football.
Remove that and you fundamentally remove what is important about being a champion in a domestic contest. You would damage irreversibly the mid-level domestic leagues.’
‘The closed-shop is the direction of travel a number in Europe would like to see and it is outrageous that UEFA can preside over a situation where that is the direction of travel.
The fear is that we end up with a closed-league situation. I was at the Celtic v Manchester City game last week, probably one of the best group games and a fantastic spectacle enjoyed by many across the world.
You remove that romance and it is all about money and that is to the detriment of the game, not just in Scottish football but across the world.'”
Isn’t that absolutely spectacular?!
And it reminds me to add a final point to my ‘Guide to Clumpany Blogging’:
15) When necessary, do not hold back from exclaiming “What a f*cking brass neck! How is that man still in his post?” 😉
NB The Clumpany has somehow made it through to the final of the Football Blogging Awards 2016, in the ‘Best New Blog’ catgegory! Many thanks for all your votes so far.
All votes cast in the first round have been rolled over to the final, but you can (and should!) vote again in the following ways:
- Completing the form on the FBA website by clicking here and selecting ‘The Clumpany’ from the appropriate drop-down menu.
- On twitter, by clicking here
You can cast a vote on BOTH Twitter and the website. Voting concludes on 28 October with the winners announced on 17 November 2016.
Many thanks for your support!
And apropos the other categories, I will be voting for Phil Mac Giolla Bhain in the ‘Best International Blog’ section…