Scottish Football, Sevco

The Green Grass Of Sevco

Good Evening. [Voting in the Football Blogging Awards is now closed!]

The Clumpany was greatly amused to see this Party Political Broadcast on behalf of The People’s Party of Sevconia by Captain Grass-tastic*, Lee Wallace:

We Are A Really Big Club, Honest!

[* Allegedly, according to internet banter… 😉]

Obviously, the most entertaining part of this beautifully-delivered monologue is the mention of Sevco being “the world’s most successful club”. This notion is so hilarious that when the Laughing Policeman heard about it he ruptured every single one of his internal organs and has now been signed off sick for the foreseeable future.

Strangely, Wallace neglected to mention the only bona fide world record held by the ‘same club’: that of having the world’s Most Understanding Creditors. And curiously, no one in the press pack bothered to ask him about it…

Still, there’s always next time. When they could also ask him about the challenge of ‘Going for 55’ from seventh place in the Premiership, after a poor result against Aberdeen.

There were plenty of other things to guffaw at in Wallace’s press conference performance art. The mention of the quality breakfasts on offer to Sevco players every day was quite remarkable. Indeed, it left viewers assuming that players at every other club in the world have no alternative but to start their day with a hearty meal of lard-coated gravel.

And then there are Sevco’s doors and corridors. Apparently they are world-beating! The Clumpany has been told that senior officials at Celtic, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Manchester United and Real Madrid etc have sent a joint letter to Sevco pleading with the ‘club’ captain to refrain from inflicting further embarrassment on them. In particular, they want him to avoid discussing the supreme quality of handles, hinges, carpets, light bulbs and waste paper bins at both Ibrox and the place formerly known as ‘Murray Park’.

So perturbed are some of the world’s richest clubs that no stone is being left unturned in their efforts to try and identify potential future humiliations by Sevco. Roman Abramovich has engaged top physicists to assess the electricity at Sevco and determine whether its electrons are of superior quality to those at Stamford Bridge. If Sevco’s are found to be superior, Abramovich plans to convert Chelsea’s entire operation to steam power. He is so serious about this that John Terry is standing by to dress up as IK Brunel and claim credit for all his achievements if necessary.

Apparently, the sense of panic among other clubs has dramatically intensified as a result of rumours that Wallace is planning to spout off about a succession of other remarkable ways in which Sevco is ‘best in class’. Having spoken to my sources, The Clumpany is sadly unable to confirm the precise details of Sevco’s upcoming boasts. However the possibilities include the following:

  • Sevco officials have (between them) enough Nectar points to buy a new shelving unit from Argos.
  • The largest purchase of rust-remover in the entire history of metalwork.
  • Being the least media-criticised organisation since the foundation of western democracy.
  • Issuing enough statements to make an origami squirrel the size of the Empire State Building; and
  • Receiving a unique joint Lifetime Achievement trophy from the Camping and Caravanning Club and British Comedy Awards for services to hosting hilarious AGMs in a gazebo.

Massive origami squirrel made from statements. Honest. [Thanks @sneckietim!]

World football may never be the same again. Especially for all those clubs who now find themselves cowering behind the European Cups they have won…