Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

God Save The Queen

You have to admit that it’s an attention-grabbing title!

Good Evening. [Voting in the Football Blogging Awards is now closed!]

In the offices of a fictional PR outfit (which has been conjured up purely for satirical purposes), a very fraught member of staff is making a series of frantic phone calls to Scottish newspapers…

[*Dials number*]

[*Drums fingers on desk impatiently*]

[*Click*]

PR Person (PRP): “Hello. It’s me. Where the HELL have you been? You were supposed to check in after the match? 

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “The Rangers* match you idiot! Did you see it?”.

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “No I can’t believe it either. F*cking Aberdeen with a lucky free kick. B*stard referee. This sort of thing wasn’t in the script.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes I know that the ‘Going for 55’ pish was just a publicity stunt, but it’s not much to ask for them to get more than nine points after seven games, is it? And to lose to Aber-f*ckin-deen like that when they didn’t even turn up until the 90th minute, FFS! It should have been like lambs to the slaughter”.

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “No that wasn’t a sheep joke about Aberdeen. Do I sound like I am laughing?”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “I don’t care if you did think that it would have been a good joke. What I care about is how we are going to deal with this ‘in seventh place and seven points behind Celtic bullsh*t'”.

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes I know they have a game in hand as well. Are you trying to wind me up? Listen, we can’t maintain a feelgood narrative if the fans read stuff about Rangers* falling behind…”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes I know they ARE falling behind, but that’s not the issue. We don’t want it acknowledged or even mentioned. At all.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “You work in a newspaper, FFS! What has that got to do with telling people what is actually happening?! Now, listen. I’ve had an idea. It is so straightforward that even you couldn’t balls it up.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes you should write it down, just in case you turn out to be a halfwit. Here is the plan: we are going to launch Operation ‘God Save The Queen’. I’ve called it that because a bit of staunch and loyal-sounding nonsense never goes amiss.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “No you don’t have to sing the national anthem. Is this National Wind-Up Day or something. Don’t answer that. Just listen. Remember when The Sex Pistols released ‘God Save The Queen’ at the time of Her Majesty’s Silver Jubilee? Well, there were tales of their place in some charts simply being blanked out. It was as if the embarrassing record didn’t even exist. We are going to do the same with Rangers’* league position.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “No we are not going to call them ‘Club 12’. That wasn’t funny in 2012 and it’s not funny now, you idiot. We are simply going to make the whole league table disappear and never EVER be mentioned again. It will be as if Rangers’* poor form hasn’t happened! The plan simply relies on you and other journalists refraining from saying anything interesting or factual. And I think that is something of which you are extremely capable.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Don’t worry. If Rangers* don’t make the top six we will simply extend Operation ‘God Save The Queen’ and stop all detailed reporting of Scottish football. The regular round-up of the scores will simply say ‘It was a great day for Rangers* and several games were played in various places’. If Celtic end up winning the league, we could put it about that the pictures of the celebrations are photoshopped. And then we could release some pictures of Lee Wallace holding up the trophy. But we wouldn’t show him on the pitch, because I am really fed up of those ‘grass’ jokes. They are so demeaning to a Rangers* captain”.

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes the Wallace pictures would be photoshopped. But they would be the right sort of photoshop. The Rangers* fans would be happy, and that’s all that matters. Now, are you clear about your instructions?”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “Yes, everyone else is on board. Papers, TV, and radio.”

[*Listens to response*]

PRP: “What do you mean ‘you need a story to fill the gap left by the league table’?’ Have you no imagination? Don’t answer that… Now, let me think…”

[*Lengthy pause*]

PRP: “I’ve got it! How about ‘Would Ewe Believe It? Rangers* Ram Six Past Sheepish Dons?’…”

#KeepOnClumping

 

2 thoughts on “God Save The Queen

Comments are closed.