Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Man Who Never Bites

MONo - plse save tues

Good Evening. [And please vote ‘Clumpany’!]

The Clumpany loves a good rumour. Apparently, Mark ‘Warbmeister’ Warburton went to the dentist late this afternoon, and caused considerable consternation. He was due for a quick check-up, but decided to respectfully request something much more radical. Having bounded into the surgery with a great deal of enthusiasm, he asked the dentist to extract all of his teeth.

The incredulous dentist wanted to know why Warbo wished to have all of his gnashers removed, and why he was so pumped up with excitement. Warbo explained that he was buzzing after today’s Sevco press conference where he had refused to bite in response to Chris Sutton’s disrespectfully critical punditry. He wanted to make a visible and indisputable statement of his non-biting nature, and show his critics that they were wasting their time as well as his.

When asked by the dentist whether removing all of his healthy teeth might itself represent a form of ‘biting’ in response to his critics, Warbo insisted he had always been taught not to bite when goaded by medical professionals for whom he had no respect. He promptly left the surgery and was last seen attempting to buy a pair of pliers from a nearby DIY shop…

This rumour is  particularly interesting as it seems to accord with the tone of Warbo’s above-mentioned press conference, which was widely reported across the mainstream media.

The Clumpany was delighted to see The Warbmeister confirm that he did not wish to get involved in a spat with any football pundits such as BT Sport’s Chris Sutton. Because otherwise I might have assumed that he was getting involved in a spat with a football pundit such as BT Sport’s Chris Sutton.

As the Daily Record reported:

“In his media conference ahead of Tuesday night’s Betfred Cup tie against Queen of the South the Ibrox boss said: ‘As the manager of Rangers, I am never going to get embroiled in spats with would-be pundits. That’s never going to happen with respect to myself and the position of the club.’

All well and good…

“But then Warburton launched into an angry dismissal of the one-time English Premier League winner and blasted: ‘I was brought up to only value the opinions of people for whom you have any iota of respect. Take from that what you will’”.

Oh dear!

If we didn’t already know about Warbo’s unflappable nature, his relentless commitment to respectful behaviour, and his absolute aversion to spats, we would have assumed that Chris Sutton’s scathing criticism and suggestion that the Sevco job “is too big for him” had really got under his thin skin. We might also have wondered whether Warbo’s self-contradiction within the space of a few seconds was itself a sign of a man proving Sutton’s point.

Sutton: Warburton Had His Pants Pulled Down

But as it is, we can rest assured that this incident and the following illustrative list are not what they appear to be, and actually represent a confident, happy and ‘winning’ manager who is completely on top of his game:

  • Complaints about media disrespect following the League Cup defeat to St Johnstone last season;
  • Grumbles about ‘poisonous’ and ‘mischievous’ remarks following the 5-1 defeat to Celtic;
  • An insistence that a 5-1 defeat wasn’t really ‘a 5-1 game’ and did not represent a gulf in class between the two sides;
  • An early exit from a press conference when asked about the recent row with Joey Barton; and
  • An assertion that Saturday’s 0-0 draw against Ross County represented Sevco’s best performance of the season.


Meanwhile, news has just reached Clumpany Towers that Warbo was entirely relaxed when he got home this evening to find that Chris Sutton had hand-delivered a ‘no hard feelings’ present: a copy of the movie ‘Jaws’…

Sharks – like Mark Warburton – never bite...

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