Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Billy Wonka And The Mockolate Factory

Good Evening. [And please vote ‘Clumpany’!]

For a brief period this afternoon, The Clumpany wondered whether Sevco FC were either trolling themselves or everyone else in the universe.

The reason for my pondering was this truly spectacular tweet and the headline of the accompanying article. They were so glorious that someone should write a hymn in praise of them:

We Must Be More Like Rangers

But then I remembered that in order to undertake this sort of trolling, there would have to be an outbreak of self-awareness at Ibrox. And I know that is very unlikely indeed. 


Because I have read their output. Over a period of years.

A Transfer Request At Sevco

So I was left to conclude that no matter how hilarious the accidental speaking of the truth may be, it was uttered from a completely irony-free zone.

In fact, you only had to look at the immediately preceding tweet to realise that one of Sevco’s main continuing difficulties is its identity crisis. Which is at least a cheap problem to have. For once.

Not Rangers, but still participating in the ‘Old Firm’. What is this sorcery?!

The article itself was pretty standard Warbo fayre along the lines of “we need to do better, and we’ll be up for the next game against Ross County’. However I did enjoy Warbo’s comment which began “We weren’t Rangers against Celtic…” and saw no reason for it to continue any further.

These unwitting statements about ‘not being Rangers’ are almost becoming a habit for Warbo. It is not long since he was actually saying it out loud following Sevco’s draw at Kilmarnock:

Warbo Speaks The Truth

However, away from unfortunate outbreaks of ‘new club’ accuracy, The Clumpany’s favourite item of the day was from the Evening Shark-Jump. Having recently -if briefly – dwelt upon Sevco’s hammering by Celtic, the ESJ decided to look to the future. And wouldn’t you guess… it’s a bright one! Courtesy of the Sevco Academy, which has recently been overhauled.

Academy chief Craig Mulholland has a 2020 vision to build for a brighter future at Rangers

The author of the piece was in full ‘Film Trailer Voiceover Man’ mode when writing the introduction.

Brace yourselves:

“IT is the opening weekend of the 2020/21 season and Rangers stride out in front of a capacity home crowd to embark on another bid for Premiership glory.

Proud parents sit in the stand and see their kids live the dream as they complete their journey from Auchenhowie to Ibrox. They are joined by Craig Mulholland as his own ambitions are realised.”

But which film was our booming-voiced narrator speaking about?

As far as The Clumpany was concerned there was only one possibility: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, starring the late, great Gene Wilder. Because the piece practically invites us to enter a dreamland full of wonder and delight, perhaps a few chocolate waterfalls, and no end of jam tomorrow

In fact the piece is probably best read with the famous song Pure Imagination being played in the background. Or at least going round in your head.

Pure Imagination

Go on, give it a try with these selected paragraphs:

“That is the aspiration for the Rangers youth chief and he hopes it will one day be a reality as he bids to produce Light Blue stars of the future.

Mulholland has overhauled the Academy structure at the Rangers Training Centre in recent months but it will take years for the benefits to be seen. He has appointed Graeme Murty as Head Development Squad Coach and set up an innovative partnership with Boclair Academy. The blueprint is in place and the production line is up and running. For Rangers and Mulholland, the results will hopefully be worth the wait.”

“It will take years for the results of Mulholland’s labour to come to the fore in the Rangers first team but considerable time has already been invested at Auchenhowie.

Inspiration has been taken from youth structures around Europe and players have pitted their wits against teams from across the world as they are challenged in different ways and taken outside of their local comfort zone. Everything required – from scouting staff to sports scientists – is now in place as Rangers look to become renowned in their own right at youth level.

‘If we become a club that gets a reputation for producing talented players, we want to have five or six in the team so that any young player can look up to a number of players’, Mulholland said. ‘People go and look at Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Benfica or Southampton and we want them to come to Rangers and say that we have got a reputation for producing elite young players. If we are honest, we don’t have that just now.

That is why we have had to put so many changes in place to make sure we go and achieve that moving forward.'”


Sadly, I have to disappoint anyone hoping that the ESJ’s finest would be given an everlasting gobstopper while visiting Mr Wonka’s dream factory. However, there is an opportunity for folk to try and buy a golden ticket…

Although to be fair, when I say ‘golden ticket’ I actually meant ‘a brick’…

Dig deep Sevconians! Dreams don’t come true without committed co-investors.


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