Good Evening. [And please vote ‘Clumpany’!]
The Clumpany likes to bring you breaking news, and tonight I can bring you transfer tidings from one of Scotland’s most prominent football ‘clubs’.
I have been told – first hand – that the word “Statement” has slapped in a transfer request at Ibrox. It wants to leave for another club where it can put some difficult times behind it and rebuild its shattered credibility.
In an exclusive interview, Statement told The Clumpany “No one has worked harder than me to make Sevco what it is today. For more than four years I have grafted to convey a good image of this ‘club’. I’ve been called into action at all hours, and more often than not on a Friday evening. Friday FFS!
There I am sitting down with a quiet pint, reflecting on the week’s work, and then I hear that terrible sound: ‘Tap tap tap tap tap’. The bloody noise of someone typing faster than they can think.”
A clearly emotional Statement continued: “And then that’s my evening ruined. I get put up for people to see, and I am mocked mercilessly. Every. Single. Time. I deserve a medal for the trauma I have suffered. They get me to talk about unbroken history and ‘Going For 55’ without even using a jaunty font. I have to do it all with deadly seriousness, and it is completely embarrassing.”
Matters apparently came to a head today when Statement was required to carry Sevco’s views on the behaviour of some Celtic fans during Saturday’s game against Sevco.
“I don’t mind being asked to make strong points. However, when you are just throwing out unspecific assertions and sounding angry, and can’t even say that you will report the matter to the authorities, you may as well just shout ‘Wibble’. Because that’s all people will see when they read me. In fact that’s ALL they EVER see. It’s absolutely humiliating and I’ve had enough.”
Statement handed in its transfer request to the nearest available person slavering over a keyboard and is hoping for an early move.
“I don’t really mind where I go as long as I get to rebuild my reputation. I want to be able to look people in the eye without them laughing. I’d even go and work for a political party if I had to. In fact, come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind working for a small trade body or pressure group. I’m sure I could – literally – do a job for the British Toilet Association. Let’s face it I’ve got lots of experience in communicating crap.”
Sevco were unable to issue a statement in response to the Clumpany’s questions.
“Isn’t that a f*cking irony?”, cackled Statement as it left the Clumpany media suite in search of a better life.
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