Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The ‘Old Firm’ Preview Show

Good Evening. [And please vote ‘Clumpany’].

The Clumpany is about to film a special Clumpany ‘Old Firm’ Preview Show. I plan to make it available to STV and BBC Scotland to broadcast. There will also be opportunities for the print media to conduct interviews afterwards.

No expense has been spared, and I have assembled a top panel of pundits to offer their views on the only fixture that matters in Scotland this weekend, or indeed ever.

Robert the Bruce, William Wallace, James VII, William of Orange, John Calvin, and Pope Innocent III will all be pontificating (in the latter case, quite literally…) about

  • how the Celtic v Rangers fixture will unfold;
  • how great it is to have the two really old rivals back slugging it out; and
  • how this is the start of a new golden age for Scottish football.

I am expecting at least a couple of our esteemed commentators to tip Rangers to win and use it as a springboard to get back to where they belong by winning their 55th title.

The more circumspect pundits are likely to predict a Celtic victory and a sixth successive title. Although everyone will undoubtedly agree on how much Celtic have missed Rangers since their financial implosion and demotion to the fourth tier of Scottish football in 2012. 

Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear it said that having Rangers back in the top flight will validate the Premiership and finally allow Celtic to win a title that has some merit.

It’s going to be an absolutely terrific show! My top team will fully reflect the amazing buzz around Scottish football now that the Old Firm is back to entertain the world!

Now, I know what you are thinking. Robert the Bruce, William Wallace, James VII, William of Orange, Martin Luther, John Calvin, and Pope Innocent III are all dead. They can’t possibly turn up at Clumpany Towers and discuss how brilliant it is to have The Old Firm and a resurgent Rangers back. 

Well I am afraid you would be wrong. 

Because I bought their history. 

A journalist I met in a pub told me that buying history is all the rage these days. And when you buy history it isn’t just like having the person or entity at your disposal, you actually have them there! The polite chap gave me the phone number of a prominent history dealer: ‘Green Enterpises Ltd’ and before you could say “selling out your integrity”, I had bought the history of tonight’s panel members! 

Now, the panel members aren’t here at Clumpany Towers in bodily form on account of certain insurmountable logistical challenges. As my journalist contact forewarned me, Green Enterprises recommended that I transfer their history to a new holding vehicle. However, this was merely an administrative matter. The people would all still be there, alive and ‘in person’ and would be able to discuss Mark Warburton’s tactical dilemmas etc.

With no time to lose, I improvised and made a quick trip to the Clumpany gardens in search of holding vehicles. I collected a selection of fresh vegetables and voila! Job done!

So here are the full details of tonight’s panel:

A carrot is the real Robert the Bruce.

A potato is the real William Wallace.

A parsnip is the real James VII.

A courgette is the real William of Orange.

An onion is the real Martin Luther.

A cabbage is the real John Calvin; and 

A runner bean is Pope Innocent III.

It’s going to be quite a show and I expect to win a few BAFTA TV awards as well as numerous agricultural ones.

It is probably just as well that television doesn’t yet have a ‘smell’ feature otherwise I might have had to issue a warning. Having come fresh from the Clumpany gardens, tonight’s panel will undoubtedly smell of manure.

Then again, that kind of stench is par for the course in most ‘Old Firm’ punditry these days, so maybe no one would have noticed anyway…


NB Should you wish to vote for my brand of humour/ sarcasm/ polemic/ surrealism in the Football Blogging Awards 2016 you can do so 

  • on the FBA website by clicking here and voting for @TheClumpany in the ‘Best New Blog’ category, AND the ‘Best Social Media’ category; or
  • by clicking here to tweet your vote for ‘Best New Blog’.
  • by clicking here to tweet your vote for ‘Best Social Football Account’.

You can vote more than once…

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