Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Bring Me More ‘Old Firm’ Bullsh*t!

Mark Warburton does not wear a cape. Yet.

Good Evening. [And please ‘Vote Clumpany!’]

“That’s not the bit that should worry you. They are calling themselves journalists.” 

– James Traynor, Daily Record, 3 December 2012.

The Clumpany believes that at some fundamental level you have to applaud the vast amounts of absolute garbage being produced by much of the Scottish sports media about the upcoming Celtic v Sevco game.
This isn’t just the run-of-the-mill liquidation-denying, reality-warping, Sevco hype-manufacturing rubbish we see on a daily basis. This is truly epic stuff which could test human endurance to its limits.

This jet-propelled refuse has absolutely nothing to do with journalism or even sports reporting, and has everything to do with making a huge amount of noise to attract interest [and yes I appreciate that it has attracted my interest – albeit to call it out for being the joke that it plainly is]. 

The fact that this torrent of effluent is nearly all based on a continuity lie and doesn’t go within a million miles of certain truths or meaningful context seems to be completely fine as far as its authors are concerned. As does the fact that it portrays the rest of Scottish football as almost a complete irrelevance.

When was the last time you saw anyone in the Scottish sports media get this excited about a game of football? Even the League Cup and Scottish Cup semi-final encounters between Celtic and Sevco produced less delirious detritus than the first ever league fixture between the two. Right now I suspect that most of the press pack are currently wearing nappies such is their ‘Old Firm’-induced incontinence.

No fixture involving clubs outwith the new pretend ‘Old Firm’ has generated even remotely comparable amounts of enthusiasm from those who profess to love the game and make a living from reporting on it. 

The folk who throw words at a page or across the airwaves under the banner of ‘journalism’ have had four years since Rangers died to try and attune themselves to the fact that Scottish football is about more than two clubs – one of which now only exists on the basis of asterisks, caveats and lies. But they have failed miserably. In fact, they haven’t event really tried to do at all. Instead they have preferred to pine for ‘Rangers’ to ‘return’ right from the moment that an apparition in light blue ran out at Brechin in July 2012.

If I were a fan of any of the 40 clubs outwith Celtic and Sevco I would be utterly sick of both them and the media which is so fixated on how their asserted rivalry is essential to Scottish football. Because the position of the other 40 clubs is being reaffirmed as one of total irrelevance on a daily basis. 

You get the impression from the nature of the ‘Old Firm’ reportage that the other 40 clubs should probably only really aspire to being cannon fodder for the big boys, and should know their place. The fact that some of them have won Cups in recent years, and the fact that the jury is still out on whether Sevco can even make the top three or four this season doesn’t matter one jot. As far as the media’s general caricature of our game is concerned, these upstarts will hopefully soon get back in their box and let the fake ‘Old Firm’ go on the rampage (with Sevco rampaging more successfully of course… 😉).

What an absolute joke. As I discussed yesterday, the sensible ‘Alans’ of this world currently have absolutely no voice in the Scottish sports media’s football coverage. 

The great Rangers liquidation lie isn’t even a very good lie, but that doesn’t stop journalists from clinging on to it like a tiny lifebuoy in a giant ocean of pish. 

The Scottish sports media is absolutely humiliated by liquidation-savvy observations such as the below which were today seen in the New York Times (yes, the New York Times!), and on the Sky Sports (no, really) and Daily Mail websites:



Imagine sitting at your desk and being unable to type the words “the old club was liquidated” through fear or a bizarre commitment to a ridiculous lie. You could almost feel sorry for these folk if it wasn’t for the fact they are taking us for mugs. On a grand scale!

Add to the liquidation-denial the refusal to engage with 

  • the LNS farce;
  • the UEFA ‘new club/company’ letter;
  • the Offshore Game Report; and
  • the images of Sevco players posing for photographs with a flute band, etc

…and you have a truly shameful catalogue of failure. 

Some might kindly suggest that the failure to cover any one of these issues is down to other priorities or genuine oversight. However, the apparent frequency of more pressing priorities or a genuine oversight would mean that the press pack are walking round with their eyes closed, blindfolded, and with their heads encased in a lead box. 

I am not buying it. You don’t miss this number of substantial issues accidentally

Quite what the people in charge of the Scottish press make of it is anyone’s guess. However, I have a mental image of them holding court and booming out “bring me Solo and the Wookie!”. Oops, sorry, I meant “bring me more ‘Old Firm’ bullsh*t!”. 

Fortunately for them, they have no shortage of willing minions to run around like light blue-arsed flies and turn their request into steaming, smelly, putrid reality. 

How hilarious that in doing this they (to redeploy the words of the great philosopher quoted at the start of this piece) “are calling themselves journalists.”

What a time to be alive!


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