So, Philippe Senderos has finally signed for Sevco! The man whose employment at Ibrox redefined the very meaning of the word ‘imminent’ will soon run out (or maybe shuffle about a bit) in light blue.
The Clumpany is now able to bring you the inside (and possibly made-up) story of the final stages of his negotiations with Sevco officials. Here is the dramatic transcript…
[*In the Sevco boardroom, a weary-looking Sevco official sits across the table from Philippe Senderos*]
Sevco Official: [*Sighs*] “Look Philippe, we’ve now been negotiating for weeks. This is our final offer, and you can take it or leave it”.
Philippe Senderos: [*Looks up from his book*] “Sorry, I have nearly reached the end of ‘The Two Towers’, I’m a bit of a slow reader, but once I have finished ‘Return of the King’ I will be with you”.
SO: [*Sighs*] “Can we just get on with it? You don’t need to read the book”.
PS: “But ‘Return of the King’ is important. I think it is vital to read the Chairman’s biography before signing”.
SO: [*Sighs*] “You aren’t very quick on the uptake are you Philippe?”.
PS: “It has been said that I am slow in many respects. I intend to rebut these claims and have been working on a statement about it for several years”.
SO: “That’s lovely Phillipe, but can you just accept the deal? You aren’t still thinking of signing for someone else are you?”.
PS: “My prize-winning carrier pigeon has been acting as go-between as I negotiate with a number of European teams”.
SO: “Prize-winning? What prize did it win?”.
PS: “I dressed it as an invertebrate and it came third in a snail race. It was a proud moment for Philippe Senderos. They don’t call me and my pets ‘Speedy’ for nothing”.
SO: “They don’t call you ‘Speedy’ at all, Philippe. Now PLEASE, put the book down and tell me if you are prepared to sign for Rangers*?”.
PS: [*Pauses for a very long time*] “Well… I have used my state-of-the art abacus and I think that you need to make me an improved offer.”
SO: [*Imagines the look on senior colleagues’ faces when they hear about this, and chokes*] “You want more?”.
PS: “Yes, I have given this a great deal of thought over a very long period of time and think that my services are worth more than you are offering”.
SO: “FFS! It should be an honour to play for Rangers*!”
PS: “Our negotiations are over. Please can someone get my coat. I will need it before I leave this boardroom, so they have precisely two days to get it to me. Look sharp!”.
SO: [*Grumpily*] “Very well then, here is our increased offer”. [*Rolls small object across the table*].
PS: [*Picks it up and looks closely*] “What is this?”.
SO: “It is a magic bean. To add to our already bumper offer. You will not find a more lucrative offer anywhere, Philippe”.
PS: [*Pauses for several minutes. Holds bean between finger and thumb*] “Hmm. That is an intriguing offer, but I will need time to consider it. I do not like to rush things”.
SO: [*Exasperated*] “Dear God! What is there to consider?”
PS: “I need to consult my specialist advisors”.
PS: “Yes. I need to send this magic bean away to my favourite laboratory. It will be tested in every respect to confirm its magical properties and value”.
SO: “And how long will that take?”.
PS: “A few months, and then….”.
SO: “A few months?!”.
PS: “Please. Let me finish… A few months AND THEN a further period while a second laboratory is asked to validate the initial findings”.
SO: “You’re having a laugh aren’t you? You are winding me up?”.
PS: “Philippe Senderos does not do wind-ups. Philip Senderos does things slowly and with caution. Philippe Senderos does not hurry anything”.
SO: “You don’t f*cking say…”.
PS: “And so after the second laboratory tests I will await publication of the results in a peer-reviewed academic journal. And if all is well, I will sign for Rangers*”.
SO: “We can’t wait that long!”
PS: “And yet you were prepared to wait the three weeks it took me to run up the marble staircase…”.
SO: [*Tearing his hair out*] “Look Philippe, I have to conclude the deal, or abandon it today. I’ll tell you what, you can have the money, and the magic bean AND we will tell all our friends in the press that you are the fastest thing we have ever seen”.
PS: [*Eyes widening*] “Faster than Usain Bolt?”.
PS: “Faster than a speeding bullet?”.
SO: “Of course”.
PS: “Faster than the disappearance of a RIFC Nomad?”.
SO: “Don’t push it, son…”
PS: “The fastest thing ever to hit Scottish football?”.
SO: “You have my word. By the time we have finished, everyone will think your middle names are ‘Speedy’ and ‘Gonzales’.”
PS: “Great! I’m in! Where do I sign? And do you have a pen with ink that won’t evaporate while I am doing it?”.