Reports are reaching Clumpany Towers of record shoe sales in Scotland today. The industry has never seen anything like it. Extra leather supplies are being shipped in from around the world to meet the incredible demand.
The cause of this fiesta of footwear acquisition is very easy to identify. Pretty much the entire Scottish sports press pack have worn out their shoes and are expecting to ruin several more pairs over the coming months. The output of the Scottish sports media is famous for being pedestrian, and no one can hope to maintain that kind of standard in the long term unless you always have decent shoes.
But the usual wear and tear created by traipsing through the barren wasteland of mediocrity has recently been exacerbated by the arrival of some distinctly unwelcome news. Journalistic footwear across the country was severely damaged following the publication of the Offshore Game report, which prompted most of our favourite scribes to frown and stare relentlessly at their shoes.
For days and days on end.
In fact most of them are still staring. And staring with such intense focus that they can’t hear you when you ask them why they haven’t mentioned the report in any of their prodigious output.
However, the trauma inflicted by the Offshore Game report is as nothing compared to the complete carnage created by the letter from UEFA which emerged yesterday, and which appears to unambiguously confirm that Sevco is a new football club. Despite all the wibblery deployed by many over the past four years to pretend otherwise.
The staring and shutting out of the world is truly incredible. Shoes are literally bursting into flames as if laser beams are coming out of the eyes of the press pack. Those who were already staring extremely hard because of the Offshore Game report have advertised for interns to assist with additional staring, and to order new shoes. Lots of them. Because their determination to pretend Rangers aren’t being pronounced dead by UEFA is absolute.
They are setting themselves up for the denial long-haul by adopting a Zen-like shoe-staring trance and hoping that the UEFA letter goes away. Better that than having to ask the awkward questions of administrators, Sevco and their own industry which are raised by it!
Industry sources have informed The Clumpany that the preferred choice of journalistic footwear this season is a brown brogue coated in brass from the neck of a fellow liquidation-denier.
Thankfully, the vast quantities of available brass make the coating cheap even if the price of leather is currently going off the radar.
The Clumpany wonders whether there is a Motherwell-born shoe-maker out there who is about to make his first billion? I am sure the Daily Record will let us know in due course. After all, no one talks ‘Motherwell-born billionaire’ cobblers like they do. 😉
I’m here all week…
[NB Female journalists may also stare at their shoes!]