Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Alarming Developments

Good Evening.

These are noisy times in Clumpany Towers. First of all the ‘irony alarms’ were sounded following these tweets from the BBC’s Tom English.

I assume this is the same Tom English who once informed his neighbours that “the thing which quacks like a duck and looks like a duck” in his garden “is a duck”, only for them to point out that it was actually a pile of manure and he was letting his imagination get the better of him…

The jokes about the Scottish MSM ignoring the very basic facts of Rangers’ liquidation, and failing to challenge the football authorities about the LNS sham and the Offshore Game report practically write themselves in response to those tweets… But it should never be forgotten that those who paid into Scottish football for well over a decade during the Rangers EBT/ side-letter/ financial doping years – and especially those who played against Sir David Murray’s sham sides – have more than an inking of how boxer Michael Conlan might be feeling right now.

These issues aren’t going away and no journalist or administrator should be the least bit surprised if we remind them of our frustration and their shortcomings, every single time they are put on ironic display. Mind you, if one of them wants to go up to Conlan right now and tell him he lost that fight in the ring and should ‘move on’, they will have my eternal respect. As well as a bunch of grapes in the hospital.

The sound of the irony alarm was briefly drowned out by the Clumpany ‘p*ss yourself laughing’ alarm which went off at around 6am this morning. It was activated by the heart-rending tale of the Daily Record’s Gary Ralston “losing his relationship” with Sevco. This harrowing story was related in an article which saw the Record getting steamed up about integrity in Scottish football! And all because of a dispute between the Ibrox outfit and Stewart Regan over the holding of a meeting.

I still haven’t recovered from reading that particular piece, and plans are afoot to hold a vigil outside Daily Record Towers, which you can read about here:

A Vigil For The Daily Record

In amongst the various alarms there was another sound. An almost constant beeping, accompanied by a vibration which shook Clumpany Towers and surrounding areas of the ether to their foundations. At first I wondered if my experiment with microwaved Buckie and Bleach cocktails in a pewter tankard had gone wrong. But once I saw that the Clumpany Fire Department was already dealing with the aftermath of my efforts, I realised that the noise must be coming from elsewhere.

At length, my investigations concluded that it was the sound of a huge number of phones being bombarded with text messages and calls. So many calls in fact, it is a wonder that the entire communications structure of Scotland didn’t melt down. 

“What was the cause of this feverish communications activity?”, I hear you ask. Apparently, there had been the mother of all meltdowns in the offices of a certain PR outfit in response to this breaking story:


The sight of an attack on the Glorious Warbolution would have merited an instant call to Jeff Tracy and the boys at International Rescue. But rather than the Thunderbirds, a Level5 alert went out to the Blunderbirds of Irrational Residue – also known as the Scottish sports press pack. Everyone was instructed to man the battle stations and shoot down the Enemy’s toxic weapons of ‘fair comment’ and ‘not toeing the party line’.

Kenny Shiels – who may have an axe to grind on account of his son Dean having fallen out of favour at Sevco and been released in June – certainly didn’t hold back!

“He [Warbo] has got very predictable and has been found out a bit.

I feel they’ll have a mediocre season because teams know how to play against them now. There is no mix in how he plays. It’s OK saying we have to have a way of playing, a style of playing but you must have a variety within that.

I could sit at home and watch it and see the movements of the players, the patterns and I think it’s lacking in variety – in oomph. I’m worried for Rangers. They’ve brought in Joey Barton and others but I’m not sure about the system they have.

They play football on the ground and it is appealing to people but I’ve seen flaws in it. If I were setting up teams against them I’d be very confident and I’m sure other coaches are thinking the same.”

Ooft! That’ll be Kenny sent off to ‘The Village’ like Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner

Whether Kenny is right or not (and personally, I think some of what he says has merit), the most remarkable thing about his opinion is that it was printed at all. What with the collective wibblery of the sports hacks having long ago concluded that The Warbmeister is a peerless footballing genius, and with developments in Sevconia ALWAYS being portrayed as wonderful. 

However, I have every confidence that Irrational Residue will soon clear up any damage caused by Shiels’ comments. 

Side-splitting hyperbole, massive squirrels, and ‘Old-Firmery’ as far as the eye can see will be the order of the day.


I can hardly wait.