The Clumpany is always grateful to the Sunday Fail for filling the unbearable void created by an Evening Shark-Jump-free Sunday.
And today it has treated the Sevconian public to a masterpiece of upbeat cliches and pandering which is right up my ethereal street. It is almost as if the Sunday Fail set out to get the 500 million-strong faithful responding like contended nodding dogs, rather than actually tell them anything useful.
Perhaps the language used was intended as a clever stylistic flourish which would be appreciated by discerning folk of an Ibrox persuasion. Then again, perhaps it was just an absolute load of nonsense. I will leave you to decide.
Here it is. Prepare to groan:
When I saw the word ‘gladiators’ I immediately thought about that vacuous 1990s charade which was always on our TV screens, and whose expensive glossy exterior belied a cheap and tacky truth which had very little to do with competitive sport.
But enough about Rangers under Sir David Murray… 😉
Twitter was full of puns this morning as folk guffawed at the idea of scrappy matches played by a legion of bargain basement players resembling the drama and nobility of ancient gladiatorial contests.
Personally, I can imagine one or two people at Ibrox over the years might have fled in terror rather than face the fearsome might of Invoicus, who had an insatiable and entirely unreasonable hunger for cash in return for services rendered.
Many Sevco-sympathisers flatly refuse to speak of the deeds of the final conqueror of the late Rangers FC: Hectorus Liquidatus. Yon Hectorus is now considered to be a myth despite the fact that People saw the devastation he wrought, and cheered on the necromancy attempted by Carolus Basketus Assetus during his heroic quest to Glebe Park during the summer of 2012.
The silence surrounding the legendary Carolus Basketus Assetus is in sharp contrast to the accolades handed out to Maximum Pointus. Maximus is always welcome at the Crumbledome, not least because of his famous demeanour and armour which resemble that of a sympathetic football referee.
But I digress…
Take a look at some of these quotes from the Sunday Mail piece:
“HALLIDAY says Rangers NEED to win silverware this season such are the demands of the Gers support. The Rangers man is toiling with a cold. In his Under Armour gear, he’s sniffling. Basically, he’s got a dose of man-flu.
But Halliday is a bit old-school. You get the impression he wouldn’t have been out of place in one of Jock Wallace’s sides. The mere suggestion from MailSport that he might miss a clash with Dundee is met with a quick look of disdain.”
“After all, he’s waited his whole life for the chance to wear the shirt. He’s not going to give it up that easily, even for one game.
The 24-year-old was choked up last week as well – but this time in a good way. The club’s draw against Hamilton Accies at Ibrox on their long-awaited return to Scotland’s top flight was an anti-climax.
It was a result, from Rangers’ point of view, which didn’t match the magnitude of the occasion.”
“Even for a guy who sat in the Copland Road end as a kid, the noise levels were unique.
Halliday says – for that five-minute spell before the unfurling of the Championship flag – he felt gladiatorial. He soaked it up. And reflected on what has easily been the most monumental year of his footballing life so far.”
“A title, 11 goals and a memorable Old Firm display at Hampden has no doubt helped with that. But, ultimately, it’s the feeling, the passion he has for the club which makes him different to just about every other player in the Ibrox dressing-room.”
“But he feels comfortable now with the pressure that comes along with being an Old Firm player. And after sampling another side of the game at times in England, he’s desperate to savour every moment at his boyhood club.”
“Halliday revealed that his spell at Blackpool – under Gers icon Barry Ferguson – was the most testing time of his career so far.”
‘Gers* Icon Barry Ferguson’
‘The NEED to win silverware’.
That amazing atmosphere which seemingly never includes friendly ditties such as ‘The Billy Boys’.
This is the kind of piece which must be a Godsend to the mop retailers of the world. 500 million People drooling at the wonder of Sevco and reliving happy memories of when there used to be a Rangers can only be good for business!
As for The Clumpany however, I simply laughed out loud on several occasions. Not least in response to the one point at which the piece came perilously close to an uncomfortable truth…
Halliday: “Timing is everything in football and last summer was a great time to sign for Rangers, with everything new and fresh.”
I hate to break it to you, Andy, but there’s a very good reason why everything seemed new and fresh…
As a tribute to how great things are at Sevco, perhaps Halliday would like to suggest renaming the stadium in honour of the club’s founder? I can just see it now: a fawning David Tanner introducing an SPFL fixture live from the ‘Carolus Basketus Assetus Colosseum’.
As long as no one asks Neil McCann to “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s”, all should be well. 😉