Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Tactical Laughter Class 

Sevco couldn’t afford an orange strip but they did have some paint to pour on the pitch

Good Evening.

They say you shouldn’t mock the afflicted, but when someone is afflicted by a truly terrible case of ‘searing insight’ it is hard not to have a little chuckle.

Fresh from his new-found success as a guru on the intricacies of capitalism, Derek Johnstone has triumphantly returned to more familiar territory: telling us something truly extraordinary about football. 

Derek Johnstone: Rangers midfield dilemma is a welcome problem to solve for Mark Warburton

Having noted Sevco’s apparently magnificent midfield and the wealth of riches (ho, ho, ho…) at The Warbmeister’s disposal, DJ took time out of his thinking schedule to ponder how they might best be deployed to conquer Neverland. And to be fair to the man who knows a well-cut jib when he sees one, it was the kind of thing you wont ever see in a coaching manual, or learn on a training course.

Take it away DJ:

“It is about getting the right balance in the side. You need someone that can tackle, someone that can pass the ball and someone to hold and sit a bit deeper.”

Holy smoke! Tackle, pass and sitting a bit deeper! Where does he get this insight from? 

I don’t know about you, but I thought the heart of any good football side was the presence of a well-drilled troupe of mime artists [*insert joke about Jamie Walker diving incident*]. Folk who can get into the box, get stuck, and get out of it again before shedding a pretend tear and passing an imaginary ball to a team-mate who will open it up to release invisible butterflies. Folk who can sit and hold a non-existent elephant on a piece of imaginary rope until it hilariously drags them across the pitch.

Actually, on reflection, it might not be an elephant. Because DJ says Warbo’s midfield selection “will probably be horses for courses throughout the season”.


If anyone is going to star for Sevco this season, it seems likely to be Jordan Rossiter as he possesses the kind of multi-faceted attributes that DJ seems to appreciate:

“He is always involved in the play, he likes a pass and he likes a tackle.”

What does that even mean?!

And just in case anyone in the Sevco side feels inclined to slack off, DJ has a profound warning for them. It’s a veritable morality tale about the consequences of failure which could have been lifted straight from the pages of epic ancient literature:

“If you are picked to start in whatever game and you don’t play well then you can’t expect to start the next game because there are players there waiting to come in.”

I hope trained counsellors are going to be on hand if anyone dares to inform the Sevco players about these unexpected and shocking tidings. Because they might just break their spirit.

Thankfully for DJ there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that Scottish football pundits are at risk of being replaced by someone better following a poor performance. Because otherwise he would have ended up working for a Rangers-themed fanzine years ago rather than for the Evening Shark-Jump and Clyde SSB.

Oh wait! I didn’t think that through, did I?


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