Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Duff Phelps

No, not them…

Good Morning.

The circus has rolled into town! The greatest show on earth! With a long history which has been irrevocably tainted by years of cheating…

I speak not of the ‘return’ of Rangers (sic) to the top flight of Scottish football, which has left many hacks breathless. So breathless in fact that they now wonder whether they are living in an actual vacuum rather than the usual moral one where ditching debt, breaking rules, stiffing the taxman and death are no problem as long as there is still ‘a’ Rangers to give meaning to our national game.

No, I speak of the Olympic Games which are in full swing in Rio before crowds so diminished I initially wondered whether Richard ‘Whine-In-A-Row’ Gough and Dave King had set up another season ticket trust fund. An account from which ticket monies will only be released to the Games organisers if security is granted over Usain Bolt.

The Clumpany read with interest about how swimmer Michael Phelps has now won 21 Olympic Gold medals. 


You could be tempted to salute his heroic efforts if he wasn’t such an idiot. Why anyone would bust several guts during decades of agonising training is completely beyond me. Especially when they could simply sit in their trailer swigging meths, eating fried chicken and watching endless re-runs of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives having bought all those Olympic titles and history.

Wasting his time

As I type, I have just won Olympic dressage titles stretching back to before the Second World War. All with a wave of a credit card and without leaving my ethereal chair. I am absolutely clear that I performed the roles of both rider AND horse during my many triumphs. And anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly a hater.

Mark my words: whereas I will be forever content with my Olympic titles, Michael Phelps will one day look back and weep at his folly.

Away from the nitty gritty of tedious hard-fought sporting competition, The Clumpany was pleased to see that Peter Lawwell’s ‘hidden hand’ has been deployed in trolling Sevco by making the normally-blue Olympic diving pool turn green.

Rumours that Lawwell turned the water green through the addition of ‘essence of Sevconian envy’ remain unconfirmed.

This Olympic Games is yet to have a big in-competition doping scandal, although I fear it will come soon enough. Presumably any athletes caught doping can run the argument that they were only ‘imperfectly clean’ and no one knew they were doped during the competition, so no sporting advantage was gained?

But just in case of doubts being expressed by folk with half a brain, a host of Olympic ‘legends’ could perhaps be lined up to argue that the medals of the offending athletes were ‘won on the track/ pitch/ court’ etc, and that you can’t therefore go rewriting the history books.

In the face of such a spectacle at the Olympic Games I have no doubt that we could rely on the Scottish sports press to wring their hands and express dismay, while seeing absolutely no parallel with any events which occurred on their patch in recent years.

Now, if you don’t mind, I am away to watch some more of the Games. There is a new event at Rio which I really can’t wait to see.

‘Same Club Mental Gymnastics’ promises to be spectacular stuff! It’s the only event in the entire Olympics in which the media gets to participate, and Britain is expected to sweep all the medals with its exclusively-Scottish team. Unlike ordinary gymnastics, points are awarded in this event for spectacular humiliating pratfalls. 

I predict that world records – like journalistic standards – will tumble!