As Sevco made their Premiership debut this weekend media expectation was high and their output astonishing. The BBC decided to humiliate itself by providing detailed minute-by-minute analysis of Joey Barton’s performance against Hamilton. No you didn’t read that incorrectly.
In a similar spirit of creative enterprise, The Clumpany kept an eye on the Ibrox press box during the game…
Pre-match: The press box bows with reverence as Dave King comes out to unfurl the Championship flag. No war chest is visible but numerous journalists make a note to mention it later anyway.
1 min: Kick off! Widespread journo high-fiving because the ‘Gers* are ‘back where they belong’ in the top flight.
3 mins: Journalists unfurl banner proclaiming “Back on easy street and loving it”.
7 mins: Bad tackle! Journo tackles his thesaurus to come up with a word to describe how slow some of Sevco’s players are. Emerges from the challenge with “like lightening”.
9 mins: Cries of “Murray, comb your hair! Murray, Murray comb your hair!” from the print journalists.
10 mins: Baron Bouffant pulls out a comb made from Dodo bone and draws it through his already-immaculate mane. The press box goes wild. Daily Record staff put their Paul Murray wigs on.
11 mins: Sevco string two passes together. Mass writing of “Brazil 1970” on notepads and laptops.
17 minutes: Foderingham saves! Mass writing of “Gordon Banks 1970” on notepads and laptops. “Wes for Eng-er-land” shouts a lone voice. “Sit down, shut up” yells a passing Sam Allardyce.
19 mins: Nutmeg! “I must add that to by online shopping order“, says someone from the Scotsman during a moment when absolutely nothing is happening on the pitch….
21 mins: Chance! The press pack play Monopoly during the Sevco build-up play, and upon reading the ‘Chance’ card one unlucky journo is sent directly to jail.
22 mins: Murmurings of excitement that the ‘Chance’ card could be a sign that Barton is going to score.
25 mins: Radio commentators compare this Sevco side to Barcelona. Bemused listeners assume they mean “not bad to look at but full of aging monuments”.
30 mins: GOAL! Press box suddenly learn Sevco are playing Hamilton. Cue mass staring at shoes and hoping the 0-1 score line goes away.
32 mins: Journo drops pen. Mass outbreak of oh-so-ironic ‘Waghornpen’ jokes.
36 mins: Joey Barton awarded ‘Man of the Match’. Jim Traynor reminds everyone not to announce it until the END of the game.
39 mins: The fourth official has a word with the press box, reminding them not to encroach in to the field of journalism.
42 mins: Sevco throw-in. The Laptop Loyal do their duty by throwing a tenner into the Sevco transfer fund collection bucket.
45+1 mins: Sevco cross. But not as cross as the press pack, who weren’t expecting a 0-1 scoreline at half-time.
45+2 mins: The referee brings the first half to a close. Dismay amongst the journalists.
Half Time: Full-time match reports are written. Invariably titled “Glorious Gers* Hammer Hamilton on Premiership Return”.
46 mins: The referee gets the second half underway. No substitutions in the press box. Readers, listeners and viewers boo loudly.
49 mins: Referee turns down appeals for a penalty. Tells press box he can’t imprison the still-winning Hamilton team.
54 mins: Great tackle by Krancjar! Press pack note with approval his use of a fishing rod to offset the 5 yards of pace he’s lost.
62 mins: GOAL! Oh sweet blessed day! Waghornpen scores! Amazing scenes. Press pack perform a goal celebration where they pretend to write a credible article about Sevco. The video tape is immediately despatched to You’ve Been Framed and the Independent Press Standards Organisation.
66 mins: End-to-end stuff as the Mexican wave goes from one side of the still-celebrating press box to the other, and back again.
70 mins: RED CARD! Herald reporter dismissed for foul and abusive language after suggesting Sevco aren’t quite as amazing as he was expecting.
73 mins: Break in play as journalist invades pitch with inflatable shark and starts to jump over it.
77 mins: Scrappy play ends when one journalist says to the another “you can’t even write a coherent match report, so what makes you think you can write something to perform in a theatre?”.
80 mins: “Handbags!”. During another meandering passage of Sevco ‘possession’ a leading football writer ponders what style and colour bag would best complement the Magic Hat he bought his wife for her birthday. He settles on a respectful light blue bag shaped like a bargain bin.
83 mins: INJURY! Waghorn goes off, taking his pen with him. Distraught scenes among the Laptop Loyal.
86 mins: Nodding of heads in the press box as Warbo changes his tactics and decides to play some football.
88 mins: “Every Rangers* player attacked!” shouts one journalist. For absolutely no good reason whatsoever…
89 mins: Everyone pressing forward now, but the police won’t let the press pack anywhere near the referee to demand a penalty for Sevco.
90+1 mins: Whistles and jeers from the clairvoyant community who have already seen the MSM’s fawning match reports.
90+3 mins: The referee blows for full time. Sevco 1, The Insignificant Other Team 1. Despair and exhaustion is on display as the press pack fall to their knees. Two points dropped as well as an awful lot of credibility.
What a remarkable display to kick off the new Premiership season, eh?