Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

Going Off Script

Celtic v Dundee - Ladbrokes Scottish Premiership

Good Evening.

You may have missed Scott Brown’s interview on Sky Sports News earlier today to mark the imminent start of the “Rangers* Are Back* So P*ss Off Everyone Else Other Than Celtic (Although They Should Know Their Place Too) Scottish Professional Football League”.

Neil ‘The Streets Are Now Paved With Gold And I Am Definitely Worth My Bonus’ Doncaster had already been on tell us about the excitement of the ‘Old Firm’ being back, communicating via the medium of bullsh*t. He also explained how folk from the Planet Wibble had been beating down his door wanting to televise the world’s greatest made-up spectacle now that Scottish football is no longer a meaningless joke. As you would expect, this was all grist the the Sky mill.

But then Broony popped up, and he didn’t play the game. And for that The Clumpany salutes him. In case you didn’t see it, the interview went something (although not exactly) like this…

Interviewer: “So Scott, who do you think will be Celtic’s main challengers this year?”

Broony: “Aberdeen have been pushing the past two seasons and I think they will challenge again.”

Interviewer: “It’s good to have Rangers* back though isn’t it? Do you think they will push you all the way?”

Broony: “Well we’ll see how they get on. We play them in the 4th game, but I think Aberdeen will definitely challenge.”

Interviewer: “Yes, but Rangers* will really give you a run for your money won’t they? It will be great to have that tussle at the top of the table again, won’t it?”

Broony: “Hearts should do quite well too. They had a good run last season.”

Interviewer: “Yes, but Rangers* can really add something to this league can’t they? You must be really excited about resuming your rivalry with them?”

Broony: “Dundee. They could surprise a few people on their day. Inverness too. Always a tricky game.”

Interviewer: “Yes, but Rangers* versus Celtic is the game all the fans will be looking forward to, isn’t it? Can you tell us about the Old Firm spectacle that they’ve been missing these past few years?”

Broony: “Partick Thistle. That’s always a tasty local derby. We usually do well, but it’s good for the fans to have that local rivalry.”

Interviewer: “Yes, but Rangers* is the big one, isn’t it? The dressing room must be buzzing about playing them probably four times this season, and battling it out at the top.”

Broony: “Motherwell and Kilmarnock aren’t names you usually think of, but the lads always enjoy those games. Proper football. And Ross County. Out of the League Cup already and with something to prove. That won’t be a dull game either.”

Interviewer: “Yes, but Rangers* is the one that people all over the world will be tuning in for. This is what Scottish football is all about isn’t it? Tell us about the reaction you get regarding Old Firm games when you travel overseas.”

Broony: “It’s funny you should ask that…”

Interviewer: “Phew. At last…”

Broony: “Because the last time I was abroad I met a couple of Accies fans and we had a good chat about how well their team has done to stay in the top division. It’s a great story.”

Interviewer: “Dear God…”

Broony: “They had a few St Johnstone fans with them, and they were saying that…”

Interviewer: “Look, can we get back to talking about Rangers*? That’s the story everyone is interested in.”

Broony: “Is that someone shouting at you through your earpiece? I know that voice! Is it Jim White?”

Interviewer: “Errr. No it’s my producer asking me to get your views on how exciting it will be to have Rangers* back in the top flight.”

Broony: “No it’s not. That’s definitely Jim White. Hi Jim! How’s it going? Did you enjoy the Scottish Cup Final? What a great day, eh?”

Interviewer: “Can we talk about how you will prepare for the first ‘Old Firm’ game of the season? It must be an exciting week. Do all the players give that little bit extra in training during the build-up?”

Broony: “I can tell you plenty about how we prepare for Aberdeen. Did you see the flyer they got off to last season? We’ll be taking no chances this time.”

Interviewer: “Please. I am begging you. Give me SOMETHING about Rangers*. I’ll buy you a pint afterwards, donate to your favourite charity. Anything. Just give me an ‘Old Firm’ quote.”

Broony: “The Championship should be good this year again. Are you covering it? Dundee United, Hibs, St Mirren, Falkirk and the rest. Can’t wait to see it myself. Why is Jim Traynor over there making a cut-throat gesture at you with his fingers?”

Interviewer: “Where?”

Broony: “Just there to your left. He doesn’t look happy.”

Interviewer: “Oh no. That’s me finished.”

Broony: “But we are just getting started.”

Interviewer: “Do you know of any jobs going anywhere?”

Broony: “Aye. They are looking for roofers at Ibrox.”

Interviewer: “You’re having a laugh aren’t you?”

Broony: “But I thought you wanted to talk about The Rangers’ prospects?”

At that point the screen went black and a few seconds later Sky Sports News ran some adverts about the ‘return’ of Rangers*…




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