Just for a change I was browsing the pages of everyone’s favourite attempted newspaper yesterday: the Evening Shark-Jump. And lo and behold there was Derek Johnstone remarking that Sevco’s friendly this weekend against Burncreditors [oops sorry, a typo there! I meant ‘Burnley’] would be a good test for Rangers*.
It got me thinking: does the Evening Shark-Jump ever say ANYTHING about Sevco which doesn’t amount to ‘good news for Rangers’?
A lost Nomad and listing, living on loans, scratching around for bargain basement players, an extremely well-hidden war chest, replica kits not being on sale etc. All is apparently good for the ‘Light Blue Legions’ [or perhaps I should call them ‘Lesions’ in view of all the cuts necessary in an era of austerity.]
Critical evaluation and perspective seem to be strangers to the articles I savour on a regular basis. You have to ask if this wide-eyed upbeat reportage does anyone any favours whatsoever – not least the Sevco fans who Niko Kranjcar hilariously told us are ‘long suffering’.
The prospects in Sevconia are unrelentingly bright, the sun always shines, and happy pixies dance with delight around Ibrox all day long, because they know that every single thing that happens to the ‘same club’ is likely to be world-beating in some way or another.
Even the famous liquidation-day front page story is probably now viewed in Shark-Jump Towers as a classic upbeat news story because it heralded an even glorious new chapter in an unbroken tale of jaw-dropping brilliance!
It is one thing to take a ‘glass half-full’ view of life, but the Evening Shark-Jump’s glass is easily mistaken for a constantly overflowing yard of hallucinogenic ale.
Should the ESJ ever be required to report that the roofs of the stands at Ibrox are in great need of repair I suspect we will see a headline proclaiming: “New Rangers’* revenue stream as Ibrox roof hired out to the catering industry for use as colanders!”
And were the retail dispute to somehow end up with Sevco unable to wear their traditional kit we would doubtless see an article explaining how wearing sackcloth will toughen up the team for inevitable Champions League glory.
I am surprised that DJ hasn’t written a column on how Broxi Bear has the smoothest fur of any SPFL mascot, and how he should be called up for international duties, thereby putting Rangers* ‘on the map’. Although of course if Broxi wasn’t called up that would also be a good thing for Rangers* as it would allow Broxi to keep his fur in top condition for the league campaign.
And it can’t be long before the entire paper is filled with pieces which solely focus on the genius of Mark Warburton. For example..
‘Warbo’s Wok’ would be a regular column on his tips for cooking the perfect Chinese meal at home. Meals which will fire on Rangers* to glory!
‘Warbo’s Wonga’ would contain the former City Trader’s tips on making your first fiver through investments, and on how best to place it in the Sevco transfer fund. This will mean that Sevco can DEFINITLEY secure the services of Lionel Messi, who will have been ‘linked’ with the Ibrox club by every bookmaker in one half of Glasgow.
‘Warbo’s Workbench’ would be a daily feature wherein The Warbmeister educates readers in advanced DIY skills. Which they can then deploy to help repair Ibrox and confirm its status as the best ground in the galaxy!
And last but not least, “Warbo’s Wizzardry”, in which he explains to the world how he is such a brilliant manager despite no one wanting him until Sevco came calling, how he keeps finding such world-beating players without spending money, and how he casts a daily spell to keep Rangers alive, some four years after they died.
I can hardly wait for my next look at the Evening Shark-Jump!