The Clumpany has had a good look through the many ‘excitable’ reports of Sevco’s victory in the League Cup last night and was delighted to stumble across this particular offering, which you may not have seen, and which may or may not be satirical… 😉
OMG! THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! [by A. Hack]
Hyperbole. It is a single word that has been the motto of Ibrox clubs’ media -cheerleaders for generations, but it has surely never had as much relevance as it did for the journalists, newspapers and unquestioning readers who simpered with seemingly no sense of perspective last night.
The MSM arrived for Sevco’s Wetpants Cup tie against a combined Barca/ Real/ Bayern XI (which was masquerading as ‘Stranraer’) with drool draped around their ties. They claimed that their team was ‘back where they belong’ with genuine top-flight exaggeration, and banished endless stories of ‘journeys’, of trips to the far-flung outposts of credulity, and of how they came so close to returning to Premiership-level derision a year ago.
The truth is that they have never been more prone to hyperbole than they are now. For they must deal with the significant weight of expectation held by most of their three remaining readers, some of whom were in attendance in Govan for last night’s arguable drubbing of the very concept of journalism.
The press box “oohed” as Joey Barton drafted a contrived tweet to appear controversial and grab headlines. And then they “aaahed” as Martyn Waghorn became the top scorer in both Sevconia and the surrounding plane of unreality with a magnificent, epoch-defining penalty.
The crowd and press pack moved as one to grab their seats following Sevco’s second goal as the very foundations of Scottish football were shaken by the awesome spectacle. This was no ordinary football match. It was a statement of Sevco’s intent. An intent to crush all opposition, grind them into dust using the weight of 54 titles won by the ‘same club’, and then dance on their graves in a cemetery which most certainly does not contain the rotting corpse of Rangers FC.
Mark Warburton, who took a moment after each of Sevco’s goals to bring peace to the Middle East, end hunger and achieve cold fusion in his bottle of water looked on impassively. Respecting his own achievements, he knew that the Champions League, America’s Cup and World Snooker title were drawing closer. But when Kranjcar’s astonishing third goal went in, even he was moved to nod his approval as he reflected upon how it was even better than when he made his first trillion as a City Trader.
As the match ended and a world record TV audience gaped in wonder at the magnificence of what they had seen, the Sevco players lined up before the press box to soak up the applause and pick up the flowers which were deservedly thrown at their feet. There can be no doubt that this match will be talked about long after the universe has collapsed. And in the meantime, world football will have nothing but terror-filled sleepless nights.
Because Sevco are coming.
And they aren’t going to pay back the creditors of the ‘same club’.
All sorts of tickets are available at all manner of prices for various Sevco fixtures, which will clearly be the best thing any of us have ever seen. Dial the below number to buy and play your part in #GoingForPretendy55
NB A previous example of ‘Orgasmic Sevco Journalism’ can be found by clicking here!