Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Rocket Man

Good Afternoon.

The papers made for interesting reading this morning [Clumpany tip: always try and include a great big lie in your blog as it gets people’s attention ! ๐Ÿ˜‰].

I was particularly interested in The Thoughts Of Comrade Warbs, who perhaps feels he was silent for too long over the summer, and needs to make up for it by spouting any old nonsense to maintain a profile [A bit like when I return from a Twitter break…]

My eye was particularly caught by this piece in the Evening Shark-Jump, although similar articles appeared elsewhere. 

“Scottish kids should head off-planet because they aren’t challenged enough by loan moves on Earth”

At least I think that was the headline…

Apparently Warbo believes that planet Earth is no place to broaden youth players’ horizons and improve their skills. The staid overfamiliarity of an oxygen-rich atmosphere and the stultifying constraints of gravity are simply holding back youngsters who routinely resign themselves to trying to become world-beaters rather than Galaxy-conquerors.

“The game’s current mindset is to keep players local”, said Warbs. “But frankly, if I learned one thing from my time as a City Trader, it’s that unless you have built a rocket in your back garden from Irn-Bru cans and spent 4 years getting up at the crack of dawn to fly to Mars to play five-a-side you are NOTHING.”

“If our youth players weren’t meant to play in the far reaches of space they wouldn’t be called ‘starlets’ would they? It’s perfectly obvious to anyone who has only recently done their coaching badges”.

“People say to me: ‘OK Mark, you used to be a City Trader so we respect your opinion. But isn’t this a bit extreme? Why don’t we start the lads off more gently by sending them to a training camp on the moon?’. Well, with respect, that would just be mollycoddling them. Look at Neil Armstrong. He went to the moon. Did he get first team football with a top club and earn 100 caps for his country? No he did not”.

“Say what you like about the Neptune First Division, but there’s no doubting that it’s a top top league where no one has to waste their time playing League Cup group matches against minnows from the Asteroid Belt. And no one ever has to congratulate Hibs on winning the Cup”.

Warbo was asked if he was a hypocrite, given his track record of sending players on loan to clubs rumoured to be on planet Earth, such as St Mirren. Sadly, he declined to answer and cast an anguished glance at his alien overlord, Jamesio of Traynoria, who immediately teleported him back to their spacecraft, the “Mil-Level 5 Falcon”.