Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Magical Mystery Guffaw

“Goo goo g’joob”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has repeatedly laughed out loud at the efforts of the Scottish sports media to wring every single bit of ‘value’ out of Sevco’s summer transfer activity.

Joey Barton’s signing is apparently so transformational for the prospects and standing of Scottish football that it has seemed like the second, third and fourth coming of the Messiah. All at once.

The age of Barton and Sevco’s other new signings have not been critically reviewed by the MSM. However, sources close to the ‘club’ tell me that they are very happy to be part of the Warbolution. Indeed, one of them was hear to say that “I lived through rationing in the 1940s so the Ibrox austerity is just like old times.” They apparently then remarked on how cold it was and asked my contact if they “would like to sing ‘We’ll Meet Again’?”.

The actual lack of meaningful cash spent on signings and the potential impact of a significant number of players leaving Sevco this summer has not really been deemed worthy of substantive comment by our esteemed MSM. Perhaps unsurprisingly it was left to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain to first suggest that Joey Barton’s arrival on almost ‘radar-eluding’ wages might have upset both the Sevco wage structure and some of their resident stellar talents. 

Eventually, the MSM caught up and we recently heard that [*gasp*] Waggy and Taviernier have refused to sign new contracts with the World’s Most Successful Farce. Meanwhile, The Warbmeister is yet to extend his own contract. Which seems curious given that Sevco have a completely believable warchest, and given that they would be mad to lose Warbo, who is the most amazing managerial talent to set foot in the MSM’s plane of reality.

I am sure there is a perfectly sensible explanation for it all which does not involve disgruntlement about matters relating to existing contracts.

However, should any Sevco fans feel inclined to have a moment of doubt, they would doubtless be reassured by Gary Ralston’s piece today which states that Warbo “is expected to agree his new deal this week”, and which portrays Sevco’s transfer policy as a frugal masterpiece overseen by a genius.

Rangers manager Mark Warburton hails influence of Frank McParland and claims he’s one of the best in the business

Phew. That’s all OK then…

However, my favourite piece of Sevco transfer guff in recent times was this piece by the Evening Shark-Jump’s finest:

Mark Warburton chasing mystery striker to add to his Rangers ranks but Oguchi Onyewu won’t get an Ibrox deal

Mystery striker?!

Seriously…. Mystery. Striker?!

Papers, players, ‘clubs’ and agents are past masters at concocting all sorts of transfer window horsesh*t for any number of reasons. Sometimes the ‘club’ wants to appear ‘busy’ in the transfer market, sometimes a paper simply wants to fill column inches with any old rubbish, and sometimes players and agents want to engineer a transfer. And more often than not, a combination of all of these things comes into play. 

But whatever the case, someone usually manages to mention the name of an actual player! Simply saying ‘mystery striker’ is a genuinely brilliant piece of nonsense!

Here is the Warbo quote upon which the Evening Shark-Jump piece is based:

“Warburton said: ‘We are looking at that fourth choice centre half and we are looking at the striking position as well and if we get these done we will be OK.

It’s not simple sometimes. They want £2million, you are prepared to pay half a million and you try to meet somewhere in the middle. We might spend money or we might not do. The trick is to get the work down under the radar as Frank has been doing. 

We have been linked to so many strikers and that’s good because the real targets have not been mentioned. The one we want is one you haven’t dug up yet but I have no doubt you will keep on digging.'”

Once you have got past the temptation to make zombie jokes on the back of Warbo’s mention of ‘digging up players’, you can only gape in wonder at the spectacle of a vague ‘chase’ for an unspecified player being presented as news!

Dear me…

In the absence of any actual players being named, we are simply left to come up with our own suggestions.

Personally, I have an image of the sought-after striker being an International Man of Mystery. Specifically, the ‘Milk Tray Man’. He might not score many goals but he will leave a moderately-priced-but-enjoyable box of chocolates in the six yard box. And he can also abseil into Ibrox down the same ropes that are used on Armed Forces Day. Thus saving the Sevco board some much-needed money.

Alternatively, perhaps Austin Powers is about to play up front for Sevco? Let’s face it, there would be no shortage of Dr Evils for him to encounter in Sevonia… 😎

For the benefit of any passing Sevconians, this picture features Elizabeth HURLEY. Not HURLING. No one is suggesting that your new mystery striker might have a GAA background…

Then again, maybe the mystery striker will turn out to be former NUM leader Arthur Scargill? A man who certainly knows a thing or two about striking. As long as he can make himself look convincingly older than his 78 years he should have no problem fitting into the Sevco squad.

‘Going for 55’?

Going to the Post Office to collect their pensions, more like.