The Clumpany brings you astonishing news!
Someone in Sevconia has read a book! And wouldn’t you know that it promises to propel everyone’s favourite reality-denying, media-fawned-over new entity to intergalactic glory?
Step forward Martyn ‘Penalty King’ Waghorn, who apparently narrowly missed out on scoring 40 goals last season, having scored 28 before he got injured…
As you can easily guess, the Evening Shark-Jump was first with the affront to our intelligence which forms the basis of this blog…
“The time off the park has proven beneficial for Waghorn as well. His choice of reading – ‘Mindset’ by Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck – may be unusual but it could prove the key to unlocking the 26-year-old’s potential.
‘It’s a good little book,’ Waghorn said. ‘It’s about trying not to let things affect me. I was a bit critical of myself last year if I was missing chances. It develops me be a better player and a better person, focusing on positives rather than negatives.
I just picked it up. I’ve been working on this for a couple of years with a psychologist I speak to from time to time. It’s just aimed to help me get better, and anything that can help me get one per cent better or make me a better player, then why not?
I think Davie and gaffer might disagree the way I’ve been going on the training pitch. It’s just about little things, dealing with success, dealing with failure, how to move on from things as quickly as you can and get better.
Last season I didn’t have the book but I’d good people around me, my wife, my family, my agent. When I got injured at Wigan it was a whole different scenario – I felt like the world was against me. Whereas at Rangers I was in a good frame of mind, I was still positive about the boys, everything was going well. Although I was injured I was in a good zone, I knew they’d take care of it. It was one of those situations where if you know your own mind it takes care of yourself.'”
Having read the above-quoted ESJ piece, I had a quick look on that new-fangled internet thing, and found this description of what Waggy’s favourite book is all about.
This is laudable stuff. At the most basic level it encourages readers to believe that they can develop themselves to maximise their potential. And I most certainly wish the Waggy One all the best in his now-publicised crusade for self-improvement.
But seriously. Let’s just focus on the fact that the Evening Shark-Jump has run a story which amounts to ‘Sevco player reads book and thinks he will be better because of it’.
Really?! Do the staff of the ESJ somehow think that this revelatory experience sets the Waggy One apart from the rest of humanity? Is it something special and genuinely worthy of column inches?
Has Waggy really stumbled across a hitherto-unknown but rich seam of learning known as ‘reading’?
I sincerely hope not! Otherwise what might come next?
“Waggy Gains Inspiration From Gers’* New Chinese Links As He Reads Fortune Cookie”.
“Waggy’s Christmas Cracker Joke Predicts Knock-Knocking On The Door Of Huge Signings”.
“Waggy’s Bingo Card Heralds Gers’* Success As 55 Leads To Call Of ‘(Big) Hoose'”.
“Waggy’s Bus Is 18 Minutes Late And Diverts Along Route 72, Thus Proving It’s The ‘Same Club'”.
“Waggy Confronted With Library Overdue Fines. Retired Judge Says ‘No Reading Advantage'”.
Keep your eyes open for these and numerous baseless claims of ‘happily ever after’. And of course…