Media, Scottish Football

Rangers’ Creditors: A Multimedia Tribute

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has seen an extract from the Scottish MSM’s plans for Saturday 16 April 2016, the day before Sevco and Celtic kick off in the Scottish Cup semi-final.

Apparently the MSM has agreed to acknowledge the role played by the Rangers creditors in helping the ‘same club’ to get to where they are today: Championship and Petrofac winners, and Scottish Cup semi-finalists.

The newspapers will pay various tributes.

One paper plans to print a ‘free’ circular picture of Hector the Taxman which can be glued to a dart board as you throw ‘arrers of contempt’ at it. I am told that the picture is biodegradable and that folk will be encouraged to flush it down the toilet accompanied by the complimentary Light Blue dye which they should have poured into their cistern by way of preparation.

Another paper will invite readers to collect tokens which entitle them to a pair of boots. These can be used to stamp upon a model of an ambulance and a meticulous Lego reconstruction of a newsagent’s . Yet another paper will provide a special ‘face-painting kit’ which will consist of Light Blue paint and a template which can be used to write “F*ck you! Payment is for losers” on the creditor of your choice.

A radio station will broadcast from a bowling alley. Twenty-eight lanes will be set up with pins depicting 276 creditors plus humility, dignity, sporting integrity and proper journalism. Eager punters will be invited to bowl balls made from compressed unpaid bills while shouting “get stuffed you morons!”. All in the name of absolutely no good cause whatsoever. 

A radio phone-in will cram all of Rangers’ creditors into the studio before playing “The Laughing Policeman” for 4 years, thereby [*cough*] ‘commemorating’ the time they have been left hanging by the ‘same club’. Listeners will be implored not to call in and thereby further acknowledge the existence of those who are out of pocket.

Folk wanting to talk about the ‘same club’ being ‘back where it belongs’ will be sent a mug featuring the face of one of the unmentionable creditors. 

TV stations will feature live coverage of Rangers creditors variously being 

  • ‘Gunged’ in the manner of Noel’s House Party.
  • Put in the stocks while folk yell ‘same club’ and then throw slices of dignity at them; and 
  • Ceremonially added to The List Of Haters for having the temerity to ask for their money back.

Apparently various websites will carry video lectures on 

  • ‘Existentialism as a form of modern football administration’; and 
  • ‘The essential role of football administrators and media in ignoring the implications of insolvency law when it suits”.

One unnamed broadcaster is hoping to screen a special 3D cinema presentation of a Rangers creditor crying. The piece is titled “Let’s all laugh at this idiot and hail the resurgence of the ‘same club'”. 

I hear that viewers will almost feel as though they are able to touch the creditor’s tears, and will be encouraged to show absolutely no sympathy for them whatsoever. This will be achieved through the provision of free Kool-Aid throughout the screening.

You have to admit, that is quite some tribute to 276 ‘same club’ creditors who are owed millions of pounds! Fair play to the Scottish sports media. They really know the grief of folk owed money when they see it.