Crisis has gripped the Scottish sports media ahead of this weekend’s massive (money for) ‘Old Rope’ derby.
The newsrooms are a scene of absolute carnage, and severe doubts now exist about their ability to perform on the big ‘Old Rope’ stage.
Several key figures in the MSM’s talented line-up are rumoured to be the subject to transfer bids from top London-based titles such as:
- Farmer’s Weekly – who are looking for new ‘Bullshit Correspondents’
- National Geographic – who want someone prepared to wander ‘off the radar’ in order to find stories
- The Beano – who will take anyone with prior experience of working for a comic
- Money Week – who seek folk experienced in covering businesses where the cash runs out every seven days; and
- BBC History Magazine – who want someone to assist in padding out articles by making history seem as though it lasted a lot longer than it actually did. There is also an opening for a ‘History Trading Editor’ who will be put in charge of a new programme in which people can purchase specially-selected pieces of history. Rumours that the Editor will be required to pilot the initiative by buying the history of Hans Christian Andersen and The Brothers Grimm before being seconded back to a Scottish sports title remain unconfirmed.
As if this bowel-loosening potential disruption isn’t bad enough, the MSM’s preparations for the ‘Old Rope’ game are being ruined by journalists going out late-night drinking. Apparently they were spotted singing songs offensive to the intelligence about ‘same clubs’ and ‘no sporting advantage’.
One appalled onlooker said
“I couldn’t believe it. There I was minding my own business when suddenly an ethereal entity in a blue jacket, shorts and sombrero suggested that I made up some pish to provide a pretext for an unsettling ‘Old Rope’-related headline.
So I did.
You should have heard them yelling at the top of their voices that their readers and listeners are idiots who will swallow any old crap as long as it is repeated for long enough.
And then they went out for a kebab. One of them definitely said ‘I am not supposed to eat fast food on my special diet, but f*ck it’.
I never knew ANYONE could be so unprofessional ahead of a big game. It’s an absolute disgrace and their gaffer is livid. I don’t know their gaffer and I don’t know if he is angry, but it would make the story more lurid, so feel free to talk about how ‘betrayed’ he feels”.
Finally, The Clumpany understands that MSM performance at the ‘Old Rope’ derby is likely to be further impaired by ‘love rats’. Whether that phrase refers to people cheating on their spouses or to a plague of big love heart-wielding rodents running amock across the sports desks of Scotland remains to be seen.
Either way, any sort of rat would be a welcome change from disruptive ‘Old Firm’ squirrels.