Have you heard about IT?
Everyone is talking about IT!
IT is in all the newspapers and on the radio and TV.
The excitement caused by IT is truly amazing!
Only now that IT is here can we truly appreciate how badly off we were without IT!
IT is giving our lives renewed meaning!
IT is brilliant!
Have you got that? IT. IS. BRILLIANT!
Just in case you don’t know what ‘IT’ is, then I probably ought to explain. Having first advised you check that you aren’t actually dead. Because you might be if you have missed out on all the euphoria surrounding IT.
‘IT’ is the massive infestation of squirrels that is running amock across Scotland, clawing out your eyeballs, and yanking out your ear drums. You can’t move for the little blighters, tripping you up, eating your food, telling you the plot of the movie you are watching at the cinema, giving you bad betting tips, delaying your public transport, blowing out your birthday candles, eating your last Rolo, and making prank phone calls to you in the pub which embarrass you in front of your friends.
And it is all so very very exciting!
All hail the squirrels who make getting out of bed worthwhile every single day!
In fact, let’s all kneel before the squirrels, and worship them for singlehandedly justifying the existence of the universe!
What do you mean “you haven’t seen any squirrels and couldn’t care less about them anyway”?
You can’t possibly have missed them. They are everywhere and it is so utterly fantastic!
How do I know this for a fact?
Because I read it in the Daily Record. The squirrels are of the rampant ‘Old Firm’ variety, and they are causing an amazing buzz across Scotland! Look, here is the proof…
What do you mean “you saw an ‘Old Firm’ squirrel at Hampden Park early last year, and it was clearly a fake”?
I refuse to believe that the Daily Record is engaging in laughable exaggeration to peddle liquidation lies, and pretend that a long-defunct fixture will be played in a few weeks’ time. Surely no media outlet worth its salt would rather spend time celebrating the dead than savouring the genuine living-and-breathing spectacle to be found throughout Scottish football?