The Clumpany has been doing a bit of hypothetical moonlighting as secretary to a liquidation-denier who works for an entirely fictional newspaper. [We all have to earn an imaginary crust to keep the ethereal lights on.]
The confidentiality clause in the side-letter accompanying my ‘contract’ prohibits me from naming my employer, but I think it may be in the public interest to publishing a few extracts from a recent daily scheduler which I compiled for them.
NB If you think that this is the stuff of crazy delusion, you might be right! 😉
6am – Breakfast. Dodo eggs on toast, with a can of Quatro.
6:15am – Meditation. Reflecting upon your previous life as King Arthur [NB remember not to get ‘killed’ and then await an opportunity to return hundreds of years later].
7am – Feed pet unicorns.
7:45am – Shower and dress for work [NB remember to wear Yeti-fur hat as the weather forecast is for freezing temperatures].
8:15am – Watch news [NB look out for item on President John F Kennedy’s forthcoming visit to Scotland. Queen Victoria is rumoured to be meeting him off the plane].
8:45am – Leave for work [NB winged monkey-hauled chariot will be waiting for you outside the bathroom window]
9:00am – Arrive at office. Await instructions.
10:00am – Report fax machine fault to engineer.
11:00am – Await instructions.
12:00pm – Collect instructions from fax machine.
12:05pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
12:07pm – Answer phone call from PR operation. Provide reassurance that you are NOT going to query the size of any warchests.
12:15pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
12:30pm – Break. Marvel at the achievements of Mark Warburton and Dave King. Test colleagues’ patience by mentioning their brilliance over and over again. Eat a Marathon bar.
12:45pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
12:47pm – Answer phone call from PR operation. Provide reassurance that you have turned the Rangers* hyperbole ‘up to 11’. Make irony-free joke about Spinal Tap and spoof outfits.
12:50pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
1:15pm – Lunch break. Visit Woolworths to buy pick ‘n’ mix. Go to Ratners to collect new watch. [NB They guarantee that when the time reaches 20:12 each day, Charles Green’s face will appear and say “I bought the history!”].
1:30pm – While eating pickled Loch Ness Monster skin, chat with pixies and elves about how it was the Rangers ‘holding company’ that was liquidated.
2pm – Check value of your monorail investment.
2:05pm – Try (again) to speak to Lyle Lanley.
2:10pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
2:12pm – Answer phone call from PR operation. Provide reassurance that you are actually drooling while writing about how amazing Mark Warburton is.
2:15pm – Write about Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.
3pm – Check twitter account. Tweet the day’s articles. IGNORE all mentions of “Liquidation”, “Insolvency law”, “Resolution 12” and the inconvenient bits of the Lord Nimmo-Smith Commission report.
3:30pm – Complete daily checks to ensure that no awkward questions have been asked of the SFA, SPFL or anyone associated with Ibrox.
3:45pm – Join in office-wide chanting of “Same club! Same Club!”.
4pm – Polish your desktop pictures of Dave King and Mark Warburton. Decide whether to book an appointment to have your hair cut like Paul Murray. [NB The number of your hairdresser is programmed into your phone].
4:15pm – Plan the next day’s articles. [NB the PR operation has suggested writing about “Rangers*, the ‘Old Firm’ and the genius of Mark Warburton.”
4:30pm – Depart office early to attend leaving drinks at local brewpub. Your favourite drink – Hofmeister Lager – will be available. [NB Don’t forget that the drinks are for the newspaper’s credibility. It actually left years ago, but the paper has only just managed to organise the piss-up in a brewery. You are due to give a speech at the drinks. Suggest speaking extensively about ‘unbroken history’.]
7pm – Head home. [NB Baron Munchausen has made himself available to give you a lift in his balloon].
7:30pm – Watch game from Ibrox on TV. Marvel that “it’s just like watching Rangers” while eating a Minotaur burger cooked by your new chef, Elvis Presley. [NB The agency ‘Doncaster Catering Associates’ assures me that he’s definitely NOT a tribute act.]
10pm – Check twitter account. Retweet the day’s articles. IGNORE all mentions of “Liquidation”, “Insolvency law”, “Resolution 12” and the inconvenient bits of the Lord Nimmo-Smith Commission report.
10:15pm – Tweet a sneery remark about ‘Obsessed’ folk. Close laptop with a flourish, marvelling at your own wit.
10:30pm – Feed and muck out unicorns. Consider whether unicorn turds could be polished as the basis of a future newspaper article about Rangers*.
10:45pm – Drink large bedtime glass of soothing Kool-Aid.
11pm – Go to bed, set alarm for pre-2012 and dream about anything other than the awful truth about liquidation…
I am sure you will all agree that my sometime ’employer’ has a very busy schedule.
I can only imagine that deluding yourself so completely must be utterly exhausting.