Keep an eye on the TV over the next few days. Any channel will do. Because Mark Warburton is going to broadcast a heartfelt appeal.
The Clumpany has been lucky enough to see a draft script for what promises to be the most moving thing any of us will ever see.
“Hello. I am Mark Warburton. You may remember me from such previous careers as ‘Being a City Trader’, ‘Trading in the City’, and ‘City Trading’.
I am respectfully speaking to the nation tonight as I need to appeal for some generosity. I know you won’t disrespect me by switching off the TV or by turning down the volume. Because that wouldn’t show respect. And I don’t like that.
I have been looking at the statistics, and I know that almost 50% of you really respect me, while the rest of you disrespectfully feel quite disrespectful towards me. But I am obviously not interested in anyone else, even though I did extensive statistical research into what you think about me, and then thought about it for several days.
However, rest assured that I respect your opinions. In the most respectful way possible. Apart from those of you who disrespect me. If I am honest, I feel a bit disrespectful towards you. But I am sure you respect that. I know I do.
I am glad we have got that clear.
I now want to talk to you about a group of disadvantaged men, who have not been well-treated by life. They do their best, and in fact I have some statistics about quite how hard they try, which I am happy to share.
These young men just want a chance. An opportunity to be make something of their lives and careers. But fate has not been kind to them.”
[*Play slow-motion film of the Sevco squad training, backed by the sound of a string quartet playing a lament*].
This is Lee. Lee is a hard worker and very able. But he has been snubbed. Destiny has slammed a door in this face. Lee puts a brace face on it, but he is upset. He fears his dreams may never come true.
And this is Jason. Jason just wants the chance to shine. To make friends in different parts of the world. But he too has been snubbed. It is a soul-destroying turn of events for the lad.
And these people, these hardworking light-blue heroes. They have so much to offer, so much joy to bring to the world but they too have been snubbed.
[*Close-up on an earnest-looking Mark Warburton*]
I won’t pretend that it’s easy helping these disadvantaged and disappointed people. As a former City Trader, I try my best, but I really need some assistance which David Weir cannot provide on account of having had his reputation besmirched. And that is why I am calling upon you to help during this difficult time.
A simple donation of a place in the Scotland squad for these fine lads would make all the difference to them.
I am therefore appealing to you to give me Gordon Strachan’s phone number.
With your help, and especially with Gordon’s contact details, we can beg him to end the scourge of unfairness in the selection of international football teams. We can bring joy into the lives of Lee, Jason and so many others who have been banished to the wilderness of playing club football during international weekends.
Thank you for your time. I respect you for it. And please, PLEASE give Gordon Strachan’s phone number generously.
Have a very respectful evening.
[*Slowly fade to black*]