I have just finished watching a remarkable outtake from legendary quiz show Mastermind, filmed in July 2015. In it, a representative of the SFA chose to answer questions on ‘The Granting of Licences for UEFA Club competitions’.
The tape was sent to me by a source who wishes to remain anonymous, and the picture quality wasn’t suitable for sharing online. Consequently I made a transcript of the relevant section of the show…
Host: “And our next contestant please…”
[*Blazered individual strides to the famous black chair*]
Host: “Your name please?”.
Blazer: “On whose authority are you asking that question?”.
Host: “I beg your pardon?”
Blazer: “I want to know who you are”.
Host: “You know who I am. And I work for the BBC”.
Blazer: “Oh. That could be a problem”.
Host: “What? Shall we just get on with the questions?”.
Blazer: “I’m not answering those two questions either”.
Blazer: “That’s another question I won’t answer. But I will give you a statement of my position”.
Host: “Errr. If it helps us to move on, please do”.
Blazer: “Good. Here it is. I will only speak to Celtic FC”.
Blazer: “You heard. There are complicated issues to consider here and I will only discuss them with an appropriate person”.
Host: “I am a quiz show host. This is a quiz show. I AM the appropriate person”.
Blazer: “I don’t care who you are. I am from a football governing body, and I will only answer questions from one of our members. Not some random person claiming to have an interest”.
Host: “Random person? I’m the quizmaster! You agreed to play by the rules and answer questions about European Club Licencing. Now let’s stop messing about and get on with the game”.
Blazer [*Pointing*]: “Ooh did you see that?”.
Host: “See what?”.
Blazer: “A squirrel. On a motorbike. Look there it is again!”.
Host [*Looking round*]: “There’s nothing there. Now can we please get on with the quiz?”.
Blazer: “I think it was a light blue squirrel, you know. Not one of those grey, red or green-and-white hooped ones. No, this one had real dignity. It is bringing back some happy memories. Would to like to hear about the time when…”.
Host: “Mr Blazer can we PLEASE just get through the two minutes of your round and then you can spot all the squirrels you like?”.
Blazer: “Are Celtic FC here to ask the questions yet?”.
Host [*Visibly angry*]: “FFS. We don’t NEED to have Celtic FC here. I have a perfectly legitimate reason to ask you some questions, and it is your responsibility to answer them. If you are unwilling to answer perhaps we should get someone else in? We have a clever UEFA Blazer standing-by backstage who could probably give better answers than you anyway.”
Blazer: “I am happy to be helpful in any way I can, and will wait here until Celtic FC arrive to quiz me”.
Host: “Wait? We’ll see about that….”.
There was then a glitch in the tape and the footage resumed with the caption “Eight months later…”.
In place of the host was a skeleton. While the SFA blazer was still sitting in his chair, sipping a glass of water in an empty venue…
Blazer: “Are Celtic here yet? No? Maybe they don’t want any answers…”.
And then the screen went black. Personally, I am a bit worried about the blazer. He must need some company and conversation after all this time.
Do you think if we phoned Celtic they would send someone to ask him some questions? And if not him, then that clever UEFA Blazer instead?
I’ll let The Kinks have the final word for now.