It’s been an Old Firmish sort of day at Clumpany Towers. That’s not entirely unusual given that Clumpany Towers – like the Old Firm – doesn’t actually exist. But I won’t let that stop me from sounding off. After all, else is doing it just now…
The Clumpany was awoken by its Old Firm alarm clock, went downstairs and had a hearty breakfast of Old Firm Flakes with ice-cold milk from Old Firm cows.
I listened to the radio and heard news about the Old Firm.
I read the newspapers and encountered the Old Firm everywhere. The only exception to this was in the Evening Shark-Jump, which reported on THE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING OLD FIRM.
I had a look at Twitter and saw that one half of the Old Firm was in court appealing a tax case. Both halves of the Old Firm were following James Doleman’s tweets from the hearing.
I turned on the TV and saw Bargain Hunt (sponsored by the Old Firm) auction off an actual unpaid bill which once belonged to Rangers (IL), and also one of Fergus McCann’s old bill-paying cheque stubs. It was Old Firm-tastic stuff!
I walked around the grounds of Clumpany Towers and admired the neat lawns which looked just like the pitch at an Old Firm game. The birds were singing a sweet Old Firm song about Fenian Blood, and I noticed that the hedges had been cut to spell out the words “Old Firm”.
I kicked a football around in honour of the Old Firm and happened to put it through a neighbour’s window. We don’t always get on and he wasn’t entirely convinced that it was an ‘honest mistake’.
And then it was lunchtime! I had alphabetti spaghetti which spontaneously formed the words ‘Old Firm’ as it oozed across my Old Firm-branded plate. Afterwards, I went to the supermarket. They claimed to be running a promotion on ‘Old Firm’ products and I ended up spending £18.72 on empty boxes. Money well spent I think!
I was a bit annoyed when I returned to the Clumpany Car. I don’t know whether it was the green and white-hooped paintwork which attracted unwelcome attention, but I found that a penalty had been awarded against me! The traffic warden from the Old Firm Parking Enforcement Agency had no sympathy and insisted that I had “brought it on myself”.
However, I hope to appeal the penalty at the Old Firm Court and hope Lord Nimmo-Smith will rule that I actually obtained no parking advantage on those double-yellow lines.
Once I had calmed down, I drove back to Clumpany Towers. On the way I witnessed a newspaper seller yelling “Old Firm Shite! Get yer Old Firm Shite here!”.
I sped away as quickly as I could.
I then saw some advertising billboards, and was delighted to hear that
- Old Firm shampoo could bring a real shine to my ethereal hair,
- Old Firm toothpaste is better for your teeth than a Lee McCulloch elbow; and that
- the Old Firm Holiday Company is now offering trips to see the ‘Mortuary Cup’ being played this summer. Rangers will take on Gretna, Airdrieoneans and Third Lanark by the banks of the River Styx.
I must admit that the advert for Old Firm Washing Powder didn’t convince me when boasting that it could “remove the stain of rule-breaking and unpaid taxes”. But I am sure someone will be gullible enough to buy it.
I finally got back to Clumpany Towers and watched reports about Maria Sharapova admitting that she had failed a drugs test. I could swear that the reporter said “she wouldn’t have done that if she’d been watching the Old Firm instead”.
But whatever the case, I am sure that Sharapova obtained no sporting advantage from the drugs, and that she won her titles on the court. I have no doubt that the rest of tennis will simply accept it and move on.
A short while ago I tried to eat some Old Firm Haggis and frankly I was a bit disappointed. The hype around this globally-famous ‘traditional product’ has been incredible, but just as I was about to swallow it, I noticed that it smelled of bullsh*t. Yuk!
Having dropped the idea of eating, I drank a Buckie and Bleach cocktail served in an Old Firm-branded bucket. It was very refreshing, but I had to drink quickly as one half of the bucket was missing, having been melted down 4 years ago…
I once tried to get my money back on the basis that I had been sold a diminished bucket. The manufacturers assured me that the Old Firm bucket was guaranteed to be authentic BECAUSE THEY SAID SO, and that any holes ruining its integrity were “purely in the eye of the bitter, twisted, obsessed and hating beholder”.
I am tempted not to buy from them again!
Overall, it has been an exhausting day in Old Firmville. So I am now going to kick back and do something which has absolutely nothing to do with the Old Firm. The DVD player is fired up and I am about to watch Celtic’s game in the 2015 League Cup semi-final. I forget who they played, but I know it wasn’t Rangers.