Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Albert Warbstein

“You are clever Albert, but you are no Warbo…”
Good Afternoon.

We already knew that Mark Warburton is very clever indeed: innovator, creative-thinker, motivator of men, and former City Trader, but in the past few days it has been confirmed that he is a genius.

Warbo is too modest to boast about his talents, but he is simply so amazing that even Scotland’s mainstream media cannot help but spot it and shout it from the rooftops.

Taking his cue from Albert Einstein, Warbs has developed a VERY Special Theory of Relativity. Einstein had a Special Theory, but Warbo has a VERY Special one. Because he is that good.

Einstein came up with E = MC2, which changed the world.

But Warbo has come up with a way of stealing a march on other football teams! The aim is to make Sevco ‘Relatively’ better than them by using some truly remarkable ingenuity…

Mark Warburton wants to implement ‘incentivised’ banker-style bonus scheme at Rangers

Yes that’s right folks. Warbo wants to put in place a system of bonuses at a football club to [brace yourselves for this…] incentivise the players to do well. And by ‘do well’ he means ‘win matches’ and ‘win trophies’.

Wow! Just wow!

It is unfortunate that Shankly, Busby; Stein, Clough and countless others are not around to pick up and run with this astonishing idea. Imagine the even more incredible things they could have achieved in management had they been able to learn from the Wisdom of Warbs?

I must admit that I enjoyed this description of The Warbmeister in the Sunday Backbone yesterday:

“A CAPITALIST who made his fortune as a City trader and backs the bankers but yet is a socialist when it comes to his football. Mark Warburton, for it is he, came across as part Gordon Gekko, part Karl Marx within the same conversation at the end of last week”

It is a real shame for the managerial greats of the past that they didn’t have Warbo’s background in City Traderville. It is, after all, the only walk of life where employees are incentivised by money to do their job well [Even if – in the case of bankers – it is to no discernible positive effect!😉].

I mean, just look at this insight…

“I know of two big investment banks in England who used a flat-rate salary for staff and they made their money via bonuses. You only make good money as such if you deliver a profit. That to me is great. If you come into work every day knowing that if you do well you’ll be rewarded, that’s a great culture to have. What’s wrong with it?”

Once again, The Warbmeister appears to be discussing rocket science when – in truth – simply putting the proverbial ‘rocket’ up underperforming players might be more effective.

But he hasn’t finished there. Because there is a second component to his VERY Special Theory…


I say keep people hungry. I understand you have to protect your asset in terms of five-year contracts, but how much is that really worth? I see players signing five-year contracts and leave six months later. Some players come from a very wealthy background and some from a humble background and everyone reacts differently to money. It’s important to get it right. If you give someone five years and too much money, they will lose the appetite.

Shorter deals sometimes maintain the hunger of a player. Whenever you sign a player you never know, they may never be better than they are now. This may be the best they are ever going to be or they could be world beaters in a year’s time. So you’ve got to try to make informed judgments and decisions on players. I understand people will look at value. But I want them to be here and to maintain standards. I want them to maintain the hunger.”

Yes folks! It’s all about the short-term deal for players! Because longer-term contracts absolutely do not have any part to play in driving up the resale price of players. And Sevco is not a ‘club’ which would benefit from behaving smartly in the transfer market. 

Consequently it would be a complete waste of time for them to 

  • sign a half-decent player [OK, 1/8th decent… 😉] on a lengthy contract,
  • develop the player and improve their pay and contract terms according to performance; and then 
  • sell them for a considerable profit on the back of their development and their contract still having several years to run.

No, such an approach would clearly be utterly insane. Better to rely on the war chest, and not worry about decent players leaving for no money after a year or two.

And as for the player ‘hunger’ of which Warbo speaks, I am sure he can get that by extending the Sevco canteen’s ban on plastic cutlery to encompass its metal counterparts.

Meanwhile, The Clumpany looks forward to further works of scientific genius from Albert Warbstein. Perhaps a collaboration with Professor Stephen Hawking might be in order?

I think they could do a great short autobiography detailing Warbo’s astonishing humanity-saving achievements.

It could be titled: “A Brief PishStory of Mine”

I’ll get my coat…



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