Or should I say ‘Good Grief!’.
Take a look at this remarkable offering from the Daily Record, which has seemingly engaged its full-on ‘Sevco-cheerleading, turd-polishing, guff-spewing’ mode.
Yes folks. The Record has gone to the trouble of finding the current record holder for ‘most penalties scored in a Scottish season’, one Mark Roberts, who scored 15 for Ayr United in 2010-11.
Roberts is now working as a coach at Clyde FC alongside a certain Barry Ferguson. Presumably when offering his comments, Roberts took time out from hearing how Barry played in a UEFA Cup final which Rangers lost for every reason other than playing a brand of anti-football so tedious it could stun an elephant into submission from a 1000 miles away?
The Record has ‘form’ for getting over-excited about Martyn Waghorn, as I noted back in January:
And they certainly don’t disappoint today! Mark Roberts is tipping Waghorn to pull off the truly astonishing feat of scoring more penalties than he did, despite the handicap of playing in a side which has a wage bill that dwarfs all of their league rivals. A side which has been awarded so many penalties this season that the SPFL is planning to lighten the strain on referees’ arms by appoint a Fifth Official for Sevco matches whose sole task is to stand there pointing to the penalty spot. 😉
Roberts is also tipping Waghorn for greatness (for which, read ‘a move back to England’) on the back of his intergalactically-significant achievements:
“MARK ROBERTS has tipped Martyn Waghorn to take his crown as the penalty king of Scotland
Waghorn moved on to 11 for the campaign (nine in the league and two in cups) on Tuesday night after netting early in the Scottish Cup win over Kilmarnock.
And Roberts reckons there’s plenty of time for the Rangers frontman to burst through the penalties barrier even if he is nursing a knee injury from Rugby Park.
But the flip side is the more goals Waghorn scores the more clubs in England will sit up and take notice – and Roberts reckons Rangers could lose their striker in the summer.
‘I don’t have any doubts Martyn will go on to beat my record’, said Roberts
‘The way Rangers play they are always liable to get a penalty. The way they move the ball up top and get into the box it commits defenders and at some point it forces them to make a challenge.’
Waghorn, who is being assessed by the Murray Park medical team, is now on 28 goals for the season which is the best run in his career. The 26-year-old is responding to regular football having lost his way a bit in the game after moving to Leicester from Sunderland in 2010.
And Roberts reckons his form will only alert Premier League and Championship sides always on the lookout for a proven scorer. He said: ‘He really looks the part. He’s got a lot to his game apart from scoring a terrific amount of goals.
So I don’t think he will be there much longer. Even if Rangers are back in the Premiership next season there are bound to be clubs in England interested in snapping up Waghorn’.”
So despite having a poor track record in England, and scoring a lot of penalties in the second tier of Scottish football in a side whose opponents have comparatively minuscule resources, Waghorn is set to be ‘hot property’ down south.
Aye, right you are Mark!
However. Let’s not be too churlish. Fair play to the Record and other media outlets for gradually turning Waghorn’s Penalty Prowess into a ‘thing’. No one would have noticed if they didn’t keep banging on about it. But where once I was indifferent, I am now completely gripped!
When he does ‘break’ the ‘record’ I hope that all the papers produce a special souvenir pull-out supplement which provides a detailed account of every penalty he scored. I also hope that the Evening Shark-Jump carries an emotional interview with him wherein he discusses his ‘heartbreak’ over the spot-kicks he missed.
And if Waghorn doesn’t win ‘Sports Personality Of The Year’ this December, I may personally team up with the Sevco fans’ groups to march on the BBC.
What a time to be alive!