Media, Scottish Football

A Clumpany Statement On A Recent Statement

Good Morning.


Here is a Clumpany Statement:

“The Clumpany notes the bleating of a Sevco Fans’ Group (SFG) regarding the Herald’s action over columnists Graham Spiers and Angela Haggerty. Their statement has led to a predictable outcry from those craving a  daily lamb-free commentary on the pretend ‘Rangers Football Club’, for which service both Haggerty and Spiers previously rose to some degree of prominence.

Against that backdrop, The Clumpany feels it is important to try and present some facts surrounding this incident.

The SFG has a history of pretending that Sevco is Rangers to its fans. The SFG’s only mistake in their dealings with Spiers came in holding a grudge against him for apparently trying to do his job to the best of his ability. And not always liking what they heard. Spiers claims to have been appalled at the singing he attributed to thousands of Rangers and later Sevco fans. So appalled in fact that it took a full two clubs’ existence from his first encounter for him to fully write about it.

The court of Sevconian popular opinion was asked (following Spiers’ and Haggerty’s decision to challenge the singing) if Spiers’ false teeth could be defended in court. Because although they don’t know whether he has false teeth or not, they like using the word ‘false’.

The SFG could not provide a single shred of proof about the very false teeth which witnessed the breath Spiers was drawing while typing his terrible criticism of Sevco.

The SFG, with Spiers’ full knowledge, correctly made an arse of itself. As is (arguably) its normal behaviour. The SFG’s comments saw it undermine its own reputation (and then some!) through the furtherance of an unsocial media campaign.

The SFG has been caught misrepresenting Sevco as ‘Rangers’ before now. It once did so while watching an old DVD and savouring trophies won during an era of EBT payments. It seems to believe that the payments never amounted to cheating, although documented proof of side letters gives many others pause for thought. The SFG (to quote its own words) quite simply “cannot be trusted to take a dispassionate view of these matters.”

The SFG asserts that Angela Haggerty has described Rangers* fans – ordinary men, women and children – as “the klan”. It also claims that she has supported the provocative stamp-collecting, star-gazing and home-baking of Phil MacGiollabhain. Apparently Phil’s football-themed cake has outrageously included representations of Scottish football fans refusing to be up to their knees in Fenian blood. [*Gasp!*]

Rather than prominent publications and commentators lowering themselves to the SFG’s level, The Clumpany believes they have a duty to deal responsibly with numerous sensitive and serious matters.

For the avoidance of doubt, The Clumpany would be fully behind any initiative which raises the level of debate beyond the relentless issuing of Sevconian statements that serve little purpose other than to make a noise and appear important. Especially when such statements cast Timmy (who has irretrievably had the last laugh since 2012) as the pantomime villain.

There have been allegations of ‘mob rule’ over the recent action taken by the Herald. It may well be the case that ‘mob rule’ exists in Scotland, but not as it is being presented. This ‘mob’ has tried to decry crowd-funded websites and donations which fund an obsession for factual information. This ‘mob’ has a hardcore of supporters for whom the pretence of a liquidated club’s continued existence and return to prominence and prosperity is extremely important. This ‘mob’ has some friendly journalists, happy to write about ‘Rangers’ as if it isn’t undergoing an autopsy on a cold slab in the BDO offices. This mob also has some friendly associates, always ready with a sound bite about their shared delusion. This ‘mob’ is also hilariously incensed at the use of any legitimate, legal mechanisms to point out that they really are very funny indeed.

If the Scottish Government is serious about promoting comedy in our society, then they should drive it out into the open. They should actively address the issue of those who use the internet to spread unwitting comedy in the form of speech and propaganda. Those people who, on a daily basis, dehumanise themselves by appearing to be Kermit the Frog or some other Muppet. 😉

It might be more expensive, but it would be more successful in getting to the core of the problem. Nothing will be gained by continuing to target the people who like nothing more than laughing at Sevco and the pompous statements of its fans’ representatives.  It is to the Scottish Government’s shame that they still have not realised that.”


Oh, and for the hard of thinking, here is a link to the thing I was parodying above. And if this is the worst blog I have ever written, please spare a thought about the quality of writing I was engaging with!


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