Media, Sevco

The St Sharkjumpville Parish Newsletter

Good Evening.

Regular readers (and I know there are a few of you hanging on like grim death…) will know that for all the Clumpany enjoys mulling over the big issues affecting Scottish football, it is the extremely trivial stuff which most brightens my day.

And so it was that a state of euphoria swept Clumpany Towers this afternoon when I spotted this exceptional item in the Evening Shark-Jump:

Rangers fans to reopen Ibrox shop ahead of Livingston Championship clash

Yes, that’s right…

“THE Rangers Supporters Trust will open a shop at Ibrox for a second time ahead of the Championship clash with Livingston on Saturday.”

“Money from the sale of the items will be used to invest in Rangers in the future and a Trust spokesman said: ‘There was a fantastic reaction to the shop before Christmas with all profits being used to purchase shares in any upcoming share issue ensuring that the club gets a more favourable deal compared to the current merchandise deal with Sports Direct.’

‘On top of the various t-shirts and Armed Forces top that were on sale last time, we will have a selection of branded mugs, RST badges and in partnership with the Lionbrand, we will be selling their extensive range of strips. There will also be a range of children’s t-shirts available.'”

Apparently His Big Mikeness was unavailable for comment on account of not giving a toss about it.

Quite why this impromptu ‘shop’ is deemed to be newsworthy is beyond me. It’s not even as if Saturday will see its debut appearance.

My first thought upon reading the piece was that it reminded me of a notice in a parish newsletter. You know the kind of thing: announcing a cake sale in aid of roof repairs [*cough cough cough*], or perhaps informing folk about an upcoming jumble sale.

Come to think of it, looking at the goods on sale, ‘jumble’ may not have been an inappropriate word for me to use… 😉

As well as the above-mentioned items, I hear that it will be possible to buy vintage leaflets advising visitors to the Crumbledome on how to connect to the Wi-Fi. They were donated by the ‘club’ on the basis that they are now surplus to requirements…

Other delights that can be purchased at the parish jumble sale will include

  • A piece of ash from the late-lamented ‘as seen on TV’ Sevco Superbus.
  • A fragment of wood from the True War Chest. Possibly the most legendary and elusive of all Sevco relics.
  • An extensive collection of dreams  (reduced in price on account of being broken).
  • Recordings of ‘The Billy Boys Sung Live at Ibrox’ . The vendors claim that the tapes are completely blank, but it might be worth checking to see if that’s actually true.
  • A piece of “Rangers’ History” in a special presentation box. This is apparently leftover stock from when Charles Green bought his famous ‘basket of assets’ in 2012. Rumours that the box is shaped like a coffin and completely empty are yet to be confirmed.

It sounds fantastic, doesn’t it?

Ever the philanthropist towards those publications in need of hits, I clicked through the Evening Shark-Jump website to see whether the parish newsletter contained any other exciting events.

I hoped for classes on ‘Writing Fiction for the Masses’, ‘1001 Ways to Enjoy a Lamb Dinner’ and ‘How to Ignore Insolvency Law While Keeping a Straight Face’.

But sadly there was nothing else to be found. It seems that no other events or worthwhile causes in the parish were deemed worthy of a bit of free publicity. Which made me wonder quite how the Unofficial Sevco Shop managed to get its coverage. Was it via a phone call or email to the ESJ from Sevco, its fans, or a even a PR firm?

Or does the Evening Shark-Jump simply have a bloodhound-like nose for opportunities to send itself up?