The Clumpany has spent much of the day seeking out Lidl carrier bags and sabotaging the plumbing in the away ends of Scottish football grounds.
“Why on earth were you doing that Comrade Clumpany?”, I hear you ask.
Well, I hear from top Sevconian sources that the current trend is for Celtic fans to relieve themselves in a carrier bag and then throw it at the home fans.
Never one to miss an opportunity for philanthropy, I plan to sell my newly-acquired Lidl bags to Celtic fans. I will charge 5p per bag with all proceeds going to the Sevconian Fantasists’ Benevolent Fund. I hear they have a lot of requests for assistance from those less fortunate than ourselves.
Please form an orderly queue if you want to buy one.
But the absolute highlight of the Clumping day has been reading about the man who is an absolute shoe-in to beat Lionel Messi for next year’s Ballon D’Or: Martyn ‘Penalty King’ Waghorn!
As the entire universe now knows, Waghorn scored a hat-trick against Cowdenbeath at the weekend, thereby taking his tally for the season to 25. Including 9 penalties.
As I have previously noted. Waghorn doesn’t think there is much of a gap between the Scottish Championship and Premiership, and has his sights set on Champions League football, so any achievements he manages to muster must surely be worthy of note.
And the press pack has certainly noticed them! In fact, some of them have almost drooled as they pretend that Sevco is Rangers, and that a second-tier Scottish side really does rank alongside any team in these islands and the entire continent of Europe.
Prepare to be embarrassed…
Somehow, for the first time in the long history of British football, becoming the first striker in the UK to reach 25 goals in a season is a ‘thing’. A thing that no one other than those pandering to Sevco could ever be impressed by. But a ‘thing’ nonetheless.
As the Record gushed:
“MARK WARBURTON has insisted Martyn Waghorn will only get better after striker became the first man in Britain to hit 25 goals this season.”
“His treble took the 25-year-old past Peterhead’s Rory McAllister as he became the UK’s top scorer in all competitions this term.”
And just in case we weren’t impressed enough, the Record also informed us of the even wider significance of his goal-scoring frenzy:
Waghorn hasn’t finished, however. As the Herald declared:
As you can probably imagine from the headline, the piece was a feast of intelligence-insulting liquidation denial.
“He said last night that his sights are now set on becoming only the second Rangers player in the last half century to score 40 goals in a season. Only former manager Ally McCoist has achieved that mark in the last 50 years, scoring 42 goals during the 1987-88 season and 49 in the 1992-93 season.”
“There will be a predictable clamour for the Old Firm to be paired in Monday’s last 16 [Scottish Cup] draw.”
And the Evening Shark-Jump managed to look even further ahead by stating:
Rangers striker Martyn Waghorn confident he could replicate goal tally in the Premiership
“I’d like to think [I would be scoring as many goals in the Premiership], with the team we have got and the chances we create. We are a passionate hungry side and I think we’d still create problems for the opposition.
I’d like to think I could still do it in the SPL and I’ll be tested when we get there. I might not get as many chances so it would be up to me to be more clinical.”
Don’t worry Martyn! I am sure fans of other teams are quite confident of you getting plenty of chances from the penalty spot should the new club make its debut in the top flight next season! 😉
Finally, if anyone thought it was only the press pack getting excited about Waghorn, then they should think again. The most ‘committed’ Clumpaneers will doubtless have spotted the occasional person on Twitter pondering whether Waghorn might be an outside bet for a call-up to the England squad. Yes, the England FOOTBALL squad. However, at least one bookmaker felt the notion was so implausible that they refused to offer odds on it.
But Sky Bet are not the only bookie to have been pondering Waghorn’s genius. Shortly after yesterday’s Scottish Cup ties concluded, Ladbrokes tweeted the following:
Maybe Ladbrokes were simply trying to play on the myth of the ‘Old Firm’, and in doing so unwittingly gave Sevco a form of unearned equivalence to the Scottish Champions.
Incidentally, I note that the organisation that does PR for SPFL-sponsoring Ladbrokes, also does PR for Sevco FC.
It’s a funny old world, isn’t it?
RIP David Bowie (1947-2016)