Good Evening (and I hope that 2016 is treating you well so far).
In the next few days, the Scottish Football Museum at Hampden will take delivery of its newest exhibit.
It’s an unassuming little item with great significance. Ever since 2012, Scottish football has clearly been struggling as a result of the ‘Armageddon’ and ‘Slow Lingering Death’ declared by Messers Regan and Doncaster. As you know, it has been a truly terrible time, with clubs going out of business every few weeks and no fans witnessing their sides enjoy any sort of success. The most pathetic scenes, however have been those featuring club Chairman, who have been sobbing the streets and asking passers by “Buddy, can you spare a Blue Pound?”.
It’s a wonder that FIFA hasn’t shut down Scottish football, such has been the extent of its desolation since Rangers went off to play in the Bucket-Kickers’ League three-and-a-half years ago. But thankfully they haven’t.
And what luck that pity stayed their hand. Because ‘Armageddon’ is finally over! And remarkably it has happened BEFORE hilarious tribute act Sevco FC makes its debut in the top flight!
As you can imagine, the Scottish Football Museum can’t wait to get its hands on the item that will forever symbolise this wonderful moment.
“So what is this magical artefact?”, I hear you ask?
“Has Indiana Jones retrieved a mystical object that can transform our game?”
“Has Dave King opened his war chest and actually found some money in it?”
“Has Paul Murray donated the film rights for the life-story of his hair to the SPFL, with instructions that the proceeds should be shared out amongst the 42 senior clubs?”
No. Something even more exciting has occurred…
Mark Warburton has received 47 text messages after a game.
As this entertaining Record piece explains:
“MARK Warburton revealed he received nearly 50 text messages from England following Rangers’ emphatic 4-2 victory over Hibs last Monday.
And every single one was complimentary about the quality of the live, televised game.
The Gers gaffer’s contacts were blown away by the atmosphere as the Ibrox side opened up a three-point lead in the Championship.
Warburton said: ‘After the game I had 47 text messages – all from down south – going on about the quality of the setting and the actual product.
Likewise, the Hearts-Celtic game – another packed stadium, quality football, great atmosphere and a late equaliser.’
‘You had on show two really good adverts for Scottish football and, touch wood, that will help us recruit the kind of players we’re after.'”
So there you have it folks! The Warbmeister’s phone beeps a few dozen times and our supposed problems disappear! Scottish football is back on the (English) map!
It is only right that the official shrine to our national game should give pride of place to the mobile phone that delivered these epoch-defining tidings. I hear that an entire new wing is going to be built to house the phone, and that Saint Warbo of City Traderville himself will unveil it in a ceremony that will be full of “proper respect” [Copyright Hugh Keevins, 2015].
Not only that, future pilgrims to the mobile phone will also be treated to a recorded audio-visual extravaganza wherein Saint Warbo will recount his heroic achievements in the game. It will last 3 seconds and intend no disrespect to anyone who actually paid to get in.
Meanwhile, the Daily Record is searching for other Warbo-channelled miracles. Look out for upcoming articles on how his toilet brush has articulated a plan to transform the standard of refereeing in Scottish football, and how his microwave oven is going to deliver summer football in winter.
What a guy!