Clichés and ‘Innovation’


MW: “I think you are great, David!”. DW: “Well I think you are awesome, Mark!”
Good Evening.

People (capital and lower-case ‘p’) often remark on the ‘commitment’ of The Clumpany and others to monitoring and commenting upon issues of fair play, sporting integrity, and the never-ending soap opera in Sevconia.

Actually, they very rarely use the word ‘commitment’. If you can discern what is actually being said, the phraseology is usually somewhat more harsh. But you get the idea…

But the commitment of The Clumpany is as nothing compared to a different sort of ‘commitment’ shown by the United Kingdom’s greatest newspaper: the Evening Shark-Jump.

Day after day, the Sevco puff-pieces are churned out. No tiny detail is unworthy of note and excessive celebration.

Right now, after a change in manager and three very decent wins in competitive fixtures, a cursory read of the ESJ could convince you that Sevco is the most dynamic, thriving and fearsome ‘ethereal-entity-playing-on-behalf-of-a-holding company’ in the entire world!

The manager is great, the players are fantastic, and the training regime is world-beating.

Every day, every single person associated with Sevco wakes up with a song in their heart and a spring in their step at the sheer unadulterated job they feel about their flourishing ‘club’.

And of course it is all the doing of those Really Real Rangers Men who…err… defeated Mike Ashley at the March EGM.

Small matters like whether Sevco has the funds to fulfil all its fixtures this  season, are not deemed worthy of consideration.

Because they aren’t really important, are they?

And so it was that an unnamed writer at the ESJ today provided yet another piece of flat-packed fluff.

David Weir urges his Rangers stars to enjoy big-time atmosphere

Many of the key elements are present in this piece.

There’s comment from both a ‘club legend’ and the amazing managerial team… in the form of David Weir.

There’s a nod to past glories shamelessly appropriated from dead Rangers.

And there are upbeat cliches. Lots and lots of them!

“We don’t take it for granted and we really do appreciate it. The fans and the club in general are just desperate to support their team, have a team they can be proud of and have a team they can get behind.”

“There has been a real positivity since day one, and both Mark and I have been welcomed with open arms. We’re delighted to be here and to have an opportunity to work at a great club like this, and to have an opportunity to get the club back to where it wants to be.”

“The positivity has been great, and there are times where it will be really important for us. There will be times within games and through the season where we will have ups and downs, but up until now everyone has been right behind us – all the staff and all the supporters – and it’s been great.”

Did you get that?

It’s all POSITIVE and GREAT!

You can imagine Evening Shark-Jump staff running around the office shouting “woohoo” for several hours having heard Weir’s comments on Sevco TV…

But we aren’t quite finished yet. 

There is still an opportunity to be wowed by the thoroughness and militarily-precision with which The Warbmeister does his job.

Sevco’s next game is at Alloa on *gasp!* an artificial pitch!

And as the ESJ tells us, “that type of pitch has proved to be an issue for Rangers in recent years – and Weir explained the thinking behind their decision to take the players to train there this week.”

“It gives us a chance to have a look at it, both for us as a management team and for the players who have never been there.”

“There is no secret with regards to what it is going to be like, but we need to get used to it and need to address it. We need to turn up, without any excuses, and put on a professional performance.”

I can hear the scribes setting to work right now! 

Rewriting the coaching manual to include the revelatory notion of trying   out an unfamiliar surface before playing a game on it.

You can see why the ESJ would want to cover this astonishing development, given that absolutely noone has ever done it before…

Whatever next? “Warburton and Weir steal march on awestruck rivals by using round balls in training”? 

It wouldn’t surprise me.

Behold, the ‘Round-Ball’ Revolution!



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