Completely Losing The Plot


Beside himself with excitement

“The club I gave blood, sweat and tears for is dead.” – Richard Gough (2012)

Good Afternoon.

Last night, The Clumpany wrote about the comments of Richard Gough, who had been at the Crumbledome to promote the sale of Family Season tickets.

He had been explaining how Dave King’s quiet approach at Sevco was a good thing. The fact we have heard so little about his plans and work simply means that he is getting on with the job in hand.

Right you are Richard!

But that wasn’t all he had to say. 

The former Rangers captain, who was a frontman for attempts to limit the flow of season ticket cash to the old Sevco board last year, came out with an absolute tsunami of other effluent that is also worth l̶a̶u̶g̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ looking at.

Fair enough, Gough was at the Crumbledome to help sell season tickets, so he was never going to put the boot in (even if he was actually capable of it). 

However, he seems to have taken his brief to be ‘upbeat’ a bit too literally and managed to turn his enthusiasm all the way up to a Spinal Tap-esque ”11′.

If you set out to write a spoof of the gushing pish that passes for Sevco journalism (and Heaven knows I have tried…), you would probably end up with something that looks very much like Gough’s comments.

They are laugh-out-loud hilarious, and have absolutely no regard to any sort of context.

The main points can be found in the Evening Shark-Jump and The Scotsman.

Richard Gough says Rangers are on the right track on and off the park

Richard Gough tips James Tavernier for £4m move

But before reading them, you should bear in mind 

A) Gough’s previous unambiguous comments about the death of Rangers; and

B) That the Warbmeister’s Sevco side has played precisely two competitive games. One of which was at home against lower-league opposition.

You might also want to have your Sevco Cliche Bingo card to hand.

Take it away Richard…

“That is what I’ve said all along that this club is like a family. It is going to be here for another 143 years. It is not a football club; it’s an institution. An institution that was very close to getting damaged beyond repair.”

“How it was allowed to happen we don’t know, but it happened. However, now we put that in the past and we move on and hope to get the club back its standing in Scottish football.”

“I do feel that fear factor coming back, but you only get that by winning games at Ibrox by four to five nil.”

“Rangers could quite easily have won 10-0 against Peterhead. Their goalkeeper had five outstanding saves and Rangers missed some golden opportunities.”

“I like what Mark said about adding players of value. He’s not going to go out and buy someone for four or five million pounds.”

“He’s going to bring in guys who can help the club and bring value to it. From what I’ve seen of Tavernier, he’s better than most of the right-backs I’ve seen in the Premiership.”

“Someone will come and take him for three or four million if he keeps playing like that then he’ll not be here in a year.”

“So I like to hear Mark say he needs to buy people like that rather than older players.”

“I always remember Graeme Souness saying ‘good teams are built from the back’ and he got in Chris Woods, Terry Butcher, myself, Gary Stevens. We were so solid you could have fielded four of our back five and found us hard to break down”

“[Warburton’s] defence is certainly not a Scottish Championship back four. It’s a level above that at least. Danny Wilson is an excellent defender, [Rob] Kiernan is a good user of the ball.”

“The goalkeeper [Wes Foderingham] looks good too. He’s a big strong boy and a good user of the ball. He can build from the back. And [Martyn] Waghorn up front looks a good signing too.”

And The Clumpany’s personal favourite quote…

“The right-back – even though we haven’t seen him defend yet – looks a crowd pleaser who will get a few goals. He reminds me of Gary Stevens because he is very quick. From what I’ve seen of him, he’s better than most of the right-backs I’ve seen in the Premier League. Someone will come and take him for three or four million. If he keeps playing like that then he’ll not be here in a year”.

[*Pauses while Clumpaneers go for a necessary lie-down*]

What did you make of that?

Crazy eh?

That stream of wibblingly positive assertion is about as far from ‘news’ or ‘journalism’ as it is possible to get. 

Even in Scotland!

It is advertising. Pure and simple. And the articles don’t even try to hide it!    

 Gough takes centre stage to give the impression that all is wonderfully rosy in the Sevco Garden (albeit no thanks to Gardener Ally), and that season ticket-buyers are in for the thrill of their lives!

And he does so without facing any challenge whatsoever from the press pack.

Gough’s claim that a right-back who “we haven’t seen defend yet” is better than most in the Premier League, and is a virtual shoe-in to be snapped up for £3-4m is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read.

And I have read quite a few silly things in my time.

But at least while they are running this outrageous comedy, the newspapers are not having to fill the pages with even slightly-researched pieces examining the actual state of play at Sevco.

You know, things like the listing, the auditor, the Sports Direct loan and commercial relationship, and the whereabouts of the over-investment.

And they certainly aren’t asking the people who run our game about 

  • ‘Resolution 12’
  • what Lord Nimmo Smith was told during his consideration of EBTs, side-letters and player eligibility
  • whether the LNS fine has actually been paid yet
  • whether Craig Whyte has paid his fine from the SFA – which they were apparently pursuing; and
  • their failure to champion our game and secure decent amounts of sponsorship  and TV income
  • Etc

What joy it would be to read the sports pages of a Scottish newspaper and find a hard-hitting story on an issue that interests a large number of fans.


On reflection, I wonder if I am the one living in the realms of fantasy, rather than Richard Gough…

Good luck tonight Celtic!



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