The Secret Conference

Good Evening

Here’s a little report which The Clumpany understands is about to be leaked to one of Scotland’s top sports journalists.

[Yes, the Oxymoron Alarm IS now going off in Clumpany Towers].

The Clumpany is under orders to seize control of the news agenda, so here goes…

This all happened some time ago…

A secret conference took place.

Delegates came from far and wide, using purpose-built monorails from Donegal, Media House HQ, Clumpany Towers and other possibly shady places which must not be spoken of.

And they arrived on the outskirts of the supposedly-lost City of Altlantis, deep underwater.

A shiver of sharks, specially-trained by Rangers Supporters Loyal (and possibly loaned by Sports Direct) transported delegates on their backs for the final few nautical miles of the journey.

Upon arrival they were greeted by Troy Tempest and Marina from ‘Stingray’.


“Welcome to the Conference”
Ah the enigmatic Marina! 

Her famous inability to talk was clear reminder to delegates that they must never speak of what was about to be discussed…

The conference room was bedecked with Union Flags, Irish Tricolors, the shirts of Ibrox ‘clubs’ and Mayo GAA teams, and (of course) with art installations made of empty Buckie bottles.

There was something for everyone. A small gesture of mutual goodwill between the conspirators.

The delegates got straight down to business and immediately agreed that:

  • The ‘Real Rangers Men’ must not be allowed to triumph and make an Ibrox club great.
  • They must be thwarted at every turn.
  • No stone was to be left unturned in pursuit of this diabolical end.

The discussion then turned to the means by which the conspiracy was to be effected.

The plan – which was hammered out over several hours – was multifaceted, and devious.

Media House would be in control at all times, and would instruct the Donegal-based delegate to run specific stories at particular times. 

The Donegal delegate would (in turn) utilise the extensive facilities of Clumpany Towers to spread them to the widest possible audience.

Media House would also provide their ‘pet’ supporters’ group with stories to run, and with criticisms to make at certain junctures.

The pressure would gradually mount on the ‘Real Rangers Men’ and their plans would ultimately come to naught.

And the delegates would laugh maniacally, while stroking white cats on their knee…

The plan seemed perfect, and indeed beautiful in its simplicity. 

But then a questioning voice was raised by The Clumpany.

“But what are these stories going to consist of?”, asked a by-now Buckie-and-bleach-sozzled Clumpany.

The answer was as swift as it was awesome!

The delegates were to run stories and commentaries suggesting that RIFC has

  • no Nomad or listing, despite what the new regime said when it took office
  • no auditor
  • been living on hand-to-mouth loans for quite some time
  • not paid back the Sports Direct loan
  • not articulated a definitive plan to build a sustainable, adequately-funded operation
  • appointed a manager that few have ever heard of
  • been signing waifs and strays despite the Chairman saying that the ‘club’ would do whatever it takes to ensure promotion, and that there would be ‘over-investment’
  • lined up a somewhat less-than-comprehensive-looking pre-season programme

“But what if we are accused of making all that up?”, asked The Clumpany.

Whereupon all the delegates fell about laughing. 

For an entire week.

And with that, the conference was brought to a close, with all the delegates once again sworn to secrecy.

The sharks and monorail took everyone home, and they all set to work. 

It is unfortunate that the details of this amazing conspiracy have somehow been leaked, and that The Clumpany has been ordered to ‘get out ahead of the story’.

But the delegates at that Atlantean conference are determined souls, and are unlikely to be deterred from their ‘mission’…

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and