The Warb Revelations


Complete and utter genius
Good Evening.

The Clumpany notes with hilarity that the Evening Shark-Jump has been pumping out the Sevco effluent once again with this piece from Gary Keown.

McParland: Warburton will succeed in three-year plan to bring Champions League football back to Rangers

That is – apparently – the view of Burnley sporting director Frank McParland, who worked with The Warbmeister and Weir at Brentford.

McParland’s Burnley side will of course be at The Crumbledome next week for what the Evening Times describes as a “much-anticipated friendly”.

Much-anticipated by whom? The Evening Times sports’ desk? The managers of Barcelona, Real, Bayern etc who all hope to learn from Warbo’s genius?!

I’ll stick with the Evening Times sports desk.

The whole piece is worth a read as a case-study in hyping up every single element of a non-story to within an inch of its life.

“The first thing you have to be is very good at your job. The second thing you have to be is really obsessed and totally hard-working and the third thing you have to be is loyal to the club.”

“If you have those three things in one person, you have a recipe for success. Warburton and David Weir have those three things in abundance.”

“No-one ever says anything bad about anyone in interviews, but I am telling you that these two are really top people.”

And just in case you thought Frank McParland had been drinking the same stuff as ‘Wibbling’ Wes Foderingham, he provides some reassurance:

“I don’t do a lot of interviews because I don’t think I am very good at them. I speak freely and you can get misquoted, but this is not bull****”.

Blimey Frank! 

And he’s not finished yet…

“I have got so much confidence in them. Mark is a terrific man-manager and people like him, but he has a real ruthless streak.”

“He gets in at six in the morning and doesn’t go home until eight at night and he will be in touch regularly with the academy people.”

“Mark lives or dies by the way the first-team plays.”

And no doubt he has the 1812 Overture blaring out at all times, and has real cannon firing at the appropriate moments!

Incredibly, the Evening Times manages to stretch out the McParland guff to a second article!

Exclusive: Inside the world of Warburton and Weir at Rangers

Wherein we are given an ‘insight’ into his incredible methods!

“He has staged PowerPoint presentations with his squad inside Murray Park and carried out one-to-ones with every player. The squad are currently having an input into establishing a Code of Conduct with him.”

“If someone is told to come in certain attire, they do it. These people are paid a lot of money to represent Rangers. How lucky are those boys to be in that position?”

“We didn’t have club suits as such, but everyone had to wear a suit for the home games and had to wear the right tracksuit for the away matches.”

“People would not be late. He was a stickler for that. It is what we all have to do in normal jobs, really, and the players will be involved in a lot of the decisions being made, but his say is final.”

Wow! This is all absolutely earth-shattering stuff

How did football manage to survive for so many decades before it was able to benefit from the transformative magic of The Warb Revelations?

We should all count our blessings that we are living through such Special Warbo Times…

But in all seriousness, the Evening Times pieces are nothing short of hyperbole-driven ‘realms of fantasy’ stuff.

They are pieces which are intended to make Sevconians feel better about the world. 

And nothing else

However, such is the unwillingness to conduct any meaningful analysis, the articles manage to unwittingly deliver a fantastic punchline…

Having extolled Warbs’ incredible virtues, and expressed confidence in his ability to deliver Champions League football by 2018, they say that it will happen…

“providing chairman Dave King and his fellow-directors support his ideas”.

“with the board behind him”.

“as long as he gets the backing of everyone and is permitted to make the changes he wants”.

Generally speaking you need money – and quite possibly ‘over-investment’ – to execute your plans in football.

And having seen events unfold at Sevco since the ‘Real Rangers Men’ swept to ‘power’ in March, The Clumpany finds itself tempted to say “Nae Luck, Comrade Warbmeister”.

Nae luck…



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