Stand by for a load of balls!

Good Evening.

The Evening Times is a publication of few surprises.

In fact it is a publication of absolutely no surprises.

As surely as night follows day, The Evening Times sports pages will always pump out some unashamed Sevco cheerleading guff.

Sometimes you are even tempted to conclude that they are regurgitating material put their way by a PR company.

But The Clumpany is sure that the commitment to cutting-edge journalism in Evening Times Towers means that that could never happen.

Whatever the truth, there can be no doubt that an unquestioning reading of its pages would lead you to conclude that:

  • Mark Warburton is a managerial genius
  • Sevco are making some truly excellent signings
  • The Real Rangers Men in the boardroom know exactly what they are doing, and have big plans and an even bigger war chest
  • Good times are just around the corner for Sevco, who will surely get ‘back’ to the ‘top’ in the very near future; and
  • The success of Sevco is necessary for the ‘good of the game’ as a whole.

This narrative is unrelenting.

No cliché is too hackneyed to go unused.

No former Rangers player or associate of The Warbmeister is too obscure to ask for a positive take on the state of Sevco.

And of course, at no point is any meaningful analysis or criticism of the actual state of Sevco undertaken.

Two days ago, the Evening Times website carried a trio of articles on the back of an ‘interview’ with second-tier Sevco stalwart Nicky Law.

The pieces were classic upbeat nonsense, with headlines to match.

Exclusive: Law backs Warburton to bring Total Football to Rangers

Nicky Law reveals heart to heart talk with boss convinced him to be part of Mark Warburton’s Rangers revolution

Nicky Law: Another year in lower tier is a blessing in disguise for Rangers

Total football?! In the second tier of the Scottish game? With a small squad made up of out-of-contract waifs and strays? Aye right!

Another season in the Championship is a blessing in disguise? Oh. My. Sides. Yes, because everyone is always happy for their club to languish in a lower division. Promotion and competing at a higher level is clearly a waste of time…

Heart-to-heart talk? Is Warbo now offering a world-leading counselling service, as well as being a managerial genius?

Revolution? Do me a favour! Cobbling together a new team and adopting a different style of play to Ally McCoist and his two successors is – quite simply – nothing remarkable. Managers around the world and at all levels of the game do it all the time.

And each of these three pieces contained a litany of praise and hyperbole which might lead you to conclude that the very fabric of the universe is being gloriously remade by Warbs.

However, just as the mirth was subsiding from this epic pish, the Evening Times has today outdone itself with a piece straight out of Sevco Cliche Central Casting.

Chester confident Warburton model will revolutionise Rangers

Yes Clumpaneers, Chris Jack reported on comments made by… wait for it…


Yes, I laughed too…

And guess what?
Ewan Chester thinks that Lord Warbington and David Weir are great news for Sevco!

What a surprising revelation, eh?

And not only that, but Mr Chester came out with pretty much all of the classic Level5-‘approved’ Sevco script.

The Clumpany suspects that Mr Jack must have felt like all his Christmases had come at once!

For the Clumpany it was nothing less than an opportunity for the best ever game of Sevco Cliche Bingo!

So grab your cards, and pick up your pen!

It’s ‘eyes down’ down for some laughable quotes…

“People shouldn’t underestimate the magic of Rangers. It is a massive club.”

“It does show there is still an allure of Rangers and it is attractive to managers and players.”

“No matter what league Rangers are in, it is still an attractive club for players.

“How many clubs in England can get 50,000 fans into their ground?”

“If Rangers get back to the level that I hope they get back to, the fans will turn out in huge numbers. That is extremely attractive to players down here.”

“You have also got the added bonus of European football. Down here, there are only six or seven clubs who regularly have the chance of playing European football so the opportunities are limited for players here.”

“There is no question that the Old Firm are still attractive and if Rangers become competitive again and you have an all together stronger Scottish game then it will become even more attractive.”

In the world of ‘Ifs, Buts and Maybes’, and in the realm of Total Fantasy, Mr Chester’s comments might have some merit.

But in the majestic surroundings of Clumpany Towers – equipped as it is with state-of-the-art Pish Detectors – his comments just seem like a truly epic example of the wafer-thin, feather-light crap that passes for ‘informed comment’ on Sevco in our mainstream media.

Such material is intended to divert Bears, and pretend that everything is going to be OK in the Magical Land of Sevconia.

And nothing more.

It most certainly isn’t intended to inform its readers.

Which is a shame really, as there are an awful lot of issues for the Sevconian fan base to worry about just now.

Oh well…