[Somewhere in UEFA headquarters, a few days ago…]
[Michel Platini’s assistant comes rushing into his office…]
Assistant: “Mr Platini! You’ve had a really important voicemail!”.
Platini: “What?! Have the Confederations unanimously called on me to be the next FIFA President?”.
Assistant: “No, its far more significant than that”.
Platini: [Looking nervous] “Go on, what is it?”.
Assistant: “It’s Mr Lawwell. He has instructions for you”.
Platini: [Gulps] “Oh no… What have I got to do this time?”.
Assistant: “He says it’s your turn to do a ‘dare'”.
Platini: [Slumps back in chair and shakes his head] “Oh my God. I am going to end up doing something ridiculous aren’t I? I should never have got into this game with him. He’s a cunning so-and-so”.
Assistant: “How did it start Monsieur Platini?”.
Platini: “You know how it is. A few drinks, and people get carried away. I dared him to appoint Tony Mowbray as Celtic manager, and he damn well went and did it!”.
Assistant: “Wow! That’s amazing! So what did he dare you to do?”.
Platini: “He dared me to introduce Financial Fair Play! I mean, can you imagine?! I actually had to do it! No one believed it would work, and now I just look more and more ridiculous over it”.
Assistant: “But you did it Sir! Well done!”
Platini: “And I was so pleased with myself that I stupidly set him another dare. A big one that he would never pull off”.
Assistant: “Blimey! What was it?”
Platini: “I dared him to engineer an elaborate plot to bring Rangers to their knees. And do you know something?”.
Platini: “He accepted the dare without hesitation or a flicker of doubt”.
Assistant: “What a guy!”.
Platini: “And he pulled it off. Amazing! He’s not a man I would want to cross”.
Assistant: “Me neither. Anyway, about that new dare…“.
Platini: “I was hoping you’d forgotten about that”.
Assistant: “No Sir. You know the drill. Mr Lawwell speaks, and we all jump”.
Platini: “Don’t I know it. Go on, give me the bad news. I bet he’s found a way to make me look like a complete moron”.
Assistant: “Mr Lawwell says he dares you to do one simple high-profile thing”.
Assistant: “He says that he has every confidence that absolutely nothing can go wrong and cause you embarrassment”.
Platini: “Did he? Wow!”.
Assistant: “He did, Sir. Although he did then laugh hysterically for 5 minutes”.
Platini: “Oh no… What is it? Tell me man! What is it?”.
Assistant: “He wants you to appoint Willie Collum as referee for the European Super Cup”…
Platini: “MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! MERDE! Pass me a pen. I am resigning now…”.