No, this short piece isn’t about some lurid, sensationalist ‘documentary’ that The Clumpany saw on an obscure TV channel last night.
No, this is about a growing suspicion in Clumpany Towers that the much-heralded introduction of vanishing spray into Scottish football during February last season had some unforeseen side effects…
Testing apparently took place amid tight security and the wearing of hazmat suits.
“Hazmat suits?” you ask. “Why bother? Vanishing spray was used in the World Cup last year without problems.”
Ah, but this wasn’t any old vanishing spray. This was special experimental vanishing spray.
The salesman said that not only did it mark a line behind which defenders must stand, but it also automatically measured out 10 yards from the ball and shouted “Oi you! Yes YOU! Get back!” if anyone tried to encroach beyond the line.
It looked like the future of football!
But sadly it didn’t work out.
The 4000 barrels were rusty and sprang leaks.
The boring old World Cup vanishing spray was used instead, and the possibility of a Glorious Innovation was lost.
“But what about the leaking barrels?”, you ask.
“Who cleaned them up? Why wasn’t anything in the papers about it?”
Now therein lies a tale…
Thankfully the substance posed absolutely no threat to people, animals or plant life.
But it is rumoured to have had some unforeseen side effects.
The trial took place in the Govan area, and since the leak there have been repeated incidents of ‘vanishing’ at Sevco, including the disappearance of
- the Somers-led board
- the Nomad
- the stock exchange listing
- promotion hopes
- a large number of players
- the war chest
- the promised over-investment; and
- the Auditor
There are also rumours of various encumbered assets possibly vanishing in the near future.
And the new chairman hasn’t exactly been visible…
This experimental vanishing spray really sounds like it was hazardous stuff!
Unless of course there is another explanation for all those Sevco Vanishing Incidents…