The Perfect Footballer

“Have you heard the one about the world’s biggest football club?”
Good Morning.

The Clumpany has been utterly blown away this morning.

There has been an outbreak of footballing genius the like of which we may never see again.

I can tell that you are curious!

“What’s happened?”, I hear you ask.

“Has Lionel Messi turned up at Clumpany Towers and given a masterclass in kicking empty Buckie bottles into the recycling skips from 100 yards away?”

No he hasn’t.

He did that last weekend. And, to be honest it wasn’t anything that The Clumpany couldn’t already do itself.


The world’s second-best kicker of a Buckie bottle

No, today’s footballing excitement has comes from everyone’s favourite free-transfer goalkeeper, ‘Wibbling’ Wes Foderingham.

Or ‘Wibs’ as he is now known in Clumpany Towers.

The Clumpany has no idea whether Wibs is a decent goalkeeper, although Swindon Town no longer felt the need for his services.

However, he most certainly is a Dream Come True for Sevco, their relentless PR machine, and the headline-writers of the Daily Record.

In fact he is perfect!

His utterances thus far have been so ‘on message’ that they could have been scripted by Mr Traynor himself!

Indeed, The Clumpany briefly wondered whether Wibs is actually a Level5-manufactured android. Programmed to say exactly the right thing at all times…  


Yesterday’s blog rolled around on the floor laughing at Wibs’ account of the Warbmeister’s ‘plan’ to get Sevco into the Champions League in three years.

The Record’s headline-writers have subsequently had a field day with his comments:

Wes Foderingham: Mark Warburton’s three year Champions League masterplan sealed my move to Rangers

Masterplan?! It sounds so definite and achievable doesn’t it?

Wes Foderingham: I was so angry with Paolo di Canio I took the hinges off a door so joining a club as big as Rangers doesn’t faze me in the slightest

And there goes the perennial soothing assertion of Sevco’s ‘massiveness’…

But The Clumpany’s personal favourite was this instant stone-cold classic on Twitter:

Oh dear! What he actually said was:

“This is a massive club, the most successful in the world trophies-wise and I just wanted to come here to be a part of that.”

This is in itself a highly debateable claim, and certainly one that suggests Wibs may have been briefed before speaking to the media!

But for the creative geniuses of the Record to come up with “biggest club in the world” is simply risible.

Still, as long as it makes the fans of Charles Green FC feel better about the world.

And more inclined to buy a season ticket…

The Record also treated us to a revelation which not only shows how well-connected manager Warbo is, but how seriously the ‘club’ is taking its pre-season preparations.

Brace yourselves!

“Rangers also revealed this afternoon that they will be in London next week and training at top flight Tottenham Hotspur’s base as Warburton steps up his pre-season preparations.”


Revealed! London! Top flight!

Are you excited and impressed yet?

And just in case you were wondering whether the war chest would ever be opened…

“The manager has also been linked with a number of loan moves for Spurs youngsters.”


Not ‘made a bid for‘ or ‘arranged a loan of‘?

I thought not!

The Daily Record had better hope that ‘Wibbling’ Wes Foderingham comes out with a few more classic one-liners to help them fill column inches.


Because otherwise there may be no option but to start asking the King regime about the ‘club’s’ finances, the whereabouts of the ‘over-investment’, and the repayment of that loan from Sports Direct.

And that would never do…

Would it?



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