“Just Buy A Bloody Season Ticket, Will You?”


Good Evening.

The Great Sevco Season Ticket Drive continues!

Ex-Hearts captain Danny Wilson has signed a three-year deal with Sevco, having activated a get-out clause in his contract.

Rumours abound that the clause was headed ‘If Danny Takes Leave of His Senses’.

We are also now told that Rob Kiernan has signed from Wigan.

Presumably their Agents have asked all the right questions about the financial stability of their new ‘club’, and have secured them very decent wages.

Wages that will eat into the savings being made following the departure of a substantial number of players at the end of last season.

Wilson in particular will probably be a very decent signing for Sevco given their current position. It will certainly help to convince the fans that a reasonable team is going to be built, and that they should therefore buy a season ticket.

It remains to be seen what sort of team Sevco can actually afford to put on the park with him, however.

But for now, Sevconians can enjoy their street parties, having ‘got one over’ Celtic

This will be the second ‘Rangers’ entity that Danny Wilson has played for

To be fair to Sevco, these signings do actually look like progress. Of a sort.

And we are also told that ‘Journeyman’ John Eustace will be in Glasgow tomorrow for talks with Mark Warburton.

Elsewhere, everything is just spin, bluster and rumour.

Today, the Evening Telegraph  provided one of the most feeble bits of ‘transfer news’ you are ever likely to read.

About Warburton having Stevie May “in his sights”.


[NB If you fancy reading more about the machinations of the transfer market and the work of the media, The Clumpany recommends this excellent blog by @MattLeslie74]

In Sevco's "sights". Hope that's not a Sports Direct shop...
In Sevco’s “sights”. Hope that’s not a Sports Direct shop, Stevie…

But The Clumpany’s favourite piece of troop-rallying guff in recent days came in ‘The Scotsman’ on Sunday.

Andrew Smith was the lucky fellow on Sevco season-ticket promotional ‘duties’, and he certainly went about the task with some gusto!

Mark Warburton signals end of stone age

If you were a Sevconian, the article was the newspaper equivalent of being snuggled up all warm and cosy in front of a roaring log fire in a Swiss mountainside chalet, on a beautiful freezing star-lit evening.

Perhaps with some schnapps and a Toblerone.

Actually, make that two Toblerones.

Lovely eh?

One is never enough
One is never enough

You could tell exactly how spectacular a puff piece it was going to be from the opening line:

“There is every reason to suspect that life at Rangers will improve under Mark Warburton…”

But if that wasn’t enough to get you reaching for the credit card to make the purchase upon which the universe depends, Mr Smith felt the need to write more.

The premise of his piece was that the shedding of so many “grizzled professionals”, and the recruitment of a manager who believes in using “young hungry” players is BRILLIANT NEWS FOR SEVCO!

Yes, The Clumpany is reeling too…

We are told that during his 18 months at Brentford, Warburton

“demonstrated he was absolutely cut-out for frontline coaching”.

And that be now “intends to reinvigorate Rangers by moulding, in his own words, ‘a young, hungry side with the potential to develop and be improved'”

Apparently this has been his “mantra since his appointment on Monday” 

He’s had a mantra for about a week, Andrew? Wow!

A man with a mantra
A man with a mantra

Warming to his theme, Mr Smith increases the momentum.

The imminent signing of Rob Kiernan, isn’t just the signing of a player with injury concerns and a list of former clubs so long that it would take a week to read out.

No, because he is younger than most Sevco signings “it is a declaration”.

Oh dear… A declaration!

And there’s more…

Warburton is apparently determined to excite the fans. Baron Bouffant felt the Sevco team was never quite the same last season after Lewis Macleod left for Brentford.

And so Smith ventures to suggest that “Warburton could help put that right with a reunion”.

The Sevco manager is quoted as saying some positive things about Macleod, including

“Lewis would typify the kind of player we would identify; the average age of the squad at Brentford was 23″.

Note that there was no actual suggestion from Warburton that Macleod could be on his way back to Ibrox. But that doesn’t stop Smith from leaving the seductive possibility dangling before Sevconian eyes…

The world's worst 'Incredible Hulk' tribute act
The world’s worst ‘Incredible Hulk’ tribute act

Mr Smith also tells of Warburton “setting himself on a mission to entertain with an expansive brand of football”.

And states (without evidence) that “it is understandable that they [a sizeable section of the fans] see Warburton as an answer to their prayers”.

Their prayers?! Good grief.

And still it goes on…

“Warburton appears to be a man who leaves little to chance.”

Apparently he likes to plan and execute a structured approach to training!


There will be training sessions. And they will be well-organised
There will be training sessions. And they will be well-organised.

Smith plays down the massive spending which occurred at Brentford in recent years, saying that most of it “was ploughed into structural improvement rather than squad salaries”. However he does at least note that Warburton achieved promotion from League One with the fourth-highest wage bill in the division.

The benefits of Warburton inheriting Uwe Rosler’s squad are also glossed over, with Smith noting that he took them all the way from fourth to second place in order to achieve promotion, and then into the Championship playoffs the following season “by showing belief in the potential of some promising performers”

By the end of the piece you are left with the distinct impression of a man all set to work some astonishing magic at the beleaguered 15th-best team in Scotland.

It is – quite simply – manufactured adulation masquerading as journalism. The start, middle and end of the piece is entirely focused on saying that Warburton is good news and that Sevco fans can look forward to happy times.

Does that approach really help anyone?

I am sure that we have heard this joke before. And in this particular telling, the punch line is a corker.

Smith tells us that Warburton may not be Mourinho, but

“With Rangers set to continue operating with the second highest wage bill in Scotland, there should be no way for them to screw up promotion again. Especially not when Warburton has demonstrated an ability to maximise his resources”.

What more could you possibly want, Sevconians?

There is no way that this could happen again
There is no way that this could happen again.

Now for Heaven’s sake, go and buy that season ticket!

That jam tomorrow is going to be so very tasty…


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