Roll up! Roll up!
There’s a big show in town!
You might never have heard of him, but the greatest name in football is going to be unveiled as the new Sevco manager today!
Mark Warburton is the man to inspire confidence in Sevconians!
And the man to give the media a big dose of that unquestioning optimism that can fill pages and airtime without any effort at all!
He’s a magician! A marvel! The wonder of the age!
And you are about to find out precisely nothing about him!
Or about the ‘funded plan’ that is going to take Sevco through the Moonbeamosphere to infinity and beyond!
Or maybe just to the Premiership… Hopefully not via the playoffs…
Because the media will probably only ask soft-ball questions about how awesome it is for all concerned that Mr Warburton is going to be piloting the Good Ship Sevco.
Including Celtic. Who will obviously be desperate for him to succeed so that the ‘Old Firm Rivalry’ (sic) can ‘resume’.
And Mr Warburton will oblige the media, replying about the jaw-dropping awesomeness of Rangers*, the privilege of managing a ‘143 year-old institution’, and the importance of getting them ‘back where they belong’.
He may then check his notes to ensure he has correctly followed the instructions from Level5 PR.
After all, nobody is perfect.
Mr Weir will then step forward to lend some authentic Rangersness to proceedings.
Remarking on the club’s bright future now it is in the staunch hands of Real Rangers Men.
And lo! The board member in attendance will announce that the appointment shows the board ‘delivering’, so please DIG DEEP AND BUY A SEASON TICKET BEARS!
Specifics about transfer targets and war chests will be declared to be matters ‘for another day‘. If the board say they will do whatever it takes, then that should be good enough.
Mr Warburton will confirm that there have been ‘discussions and assurances about transfer funds’ but will refuse to be drawn on details…
A joyful and compliant media will simply absorb and repeat.
Absorb and repeat.
And there will be dancing in the streets of Sevconia.
It promises to be quite a show!
Mr Custard is yet to confirm that he will be appearing
Meanwhile, in the distance, those who were not welcome at the circus will gather and conspire. Most probably on Twitter…
Then they will point and laugh! Because Timmy really can see right through these PR exercises.
And you can be sure that there will be bread-related puns. So many bread-related puns…
But even further away – over the border – a brooding retail mogul will observe developments, and quietly draw up his plans…