Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Prisoners of Obsequiousness?

“We want information”

Good Morning.

So the ‘Big Day’ is upon us.


A flurry of Tweets from the giddy media informs us that the Komedy King will hold a press conference this afternoon to launch the season ticket drive, and finally outline the vision for Sevco’s future.

It is not yet clear whether Baron Bouffant is still in North America saying ‘stuff’ to excite the wider Sevconian family. It would be unfortunate if his is unable to sit beside King today and lend proceedings a hair of gravitas. [Ouch! The Clumpany really did just crack that joke…]

But whatever the case, I am sure Mr King will be briefed all the way to Level 5 before speaking.

“We’ve come to hear about Sevco’s bright future”

You would like to think that the press pack will be spending the morning engaging their critical faculties so as to ask some searching questions that will nail down the Sevco board’s intentions and resources.

After all, we are told until we are light blue in the face that “Scottish Football needs a strong Sevco”, so our journalists will be mindful that it is in the public interest to get some straight answers.

This would certainly be a great morning to take some deep breaths and perhaps do a bit of meditation to ensure that no one succumbs to Giddy Kingness this afternoon.

'Giddy Kingness' has some bizarre symptoms
‘Giddy Kingness’ can make you do some strange things

The Clumpany knows that it will be very difficult to be in the presence of the Realest of Real Rangers Men without losing control of your bladder, cooing at his every utterance and asking ‘questions’ such as

  • could you just confirm quite how great you are, Mr King?”
  • “How big is the Warchest Mr King? No no, don’t feel you need to answer that one, Sir”; and
  • “That Mike Ashley, you’ll see him off won’t you? No need to answer Mr King. We believe in you. We’ve ALWAYS believed in you”.

But perhaps THIS TIME our esteemed journalists will try to ask some proper questions and not simply accept assertions or blatant contradictions of previous utterances.

“Hi Paul. I’m about to go into a press conference with your mate Dave King. Any easy questions you would like me to ask him?”

Maybe by this evening we will know:

  • How much money King and co are going to invest (not loan, INVEST), and by when.
  • When the new manager will be announced.
  • What Stuart McCall is doing right now. Is he in the frame to continue as manager? Aren’t they just stringing him along?
  • How much money there will be to spend on transfers.
  • When the stadium repairs will be begun and completed.
  • When the board hopes to have reached ‘agreement’ with Sports Direct about the commercial contracts and repayment of the £5m loan.
  • When the board aims to relist RIFC shares by, and on which exchange.
  • When the board plans to hold a share offer, and some of the details of its size/ underwriting.
  • An answer to the question of why much of the above hasn’t been addressed before now. Given that most of the board has been in place since early March.

I suspect the Community of Clumpaneers could crowd-source a series of good questions to ask Mr King.

In fact, there are Amazonian tribes with only a passing knowledge of Scottish Football that could easily come up with a series of things to ask Mr King.

This afternoon is an open goal for the Scottish MSM. It is their choice whether they wish to be Lionel Messi or Kris Boyd.

Kris Boyd really struggled to put the ball in the net this season
Kris Boyd really struggled to put the ball in the net this season

And just in case any of the MSM are reading this piece (and I know some of you lurk…).

You may think that this is just another ‘rant’ by the ‘obsessed’.

If you do, then shame on you.

But you might like to reflect that getting answers to the above questions would be a service to the fans of the Ibrox club. If you think that they have ‘suffered enough’, and you want to see a ‘Rangers’ entity in the top flight, then you might just find it worthwhile to hold those in power to account.

“You must be a Tribute Act”

I don’t want to see gushing reports of “King Outlines Compelling Vision For Rangers” without it being evidenced following some hard, uncompromising questioning.

That includes YOU Evening Times, and YOU Daily Record, and YOU Herald, and YOU BBC, and YOU Press Association…

We will let you know if you fall short

And just in case you were wondering
And just in case you were wondering “Who is Number One?”…



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