If you go down to the Clumpany Library and open up “The Big Book of All Things Sevco“ you will find a chapter entitled “Unlikely developments”.
To be honest, it’s quite a short chapter. Because – as Mr Custard will tell you – ANYTHING has been possible around Ibrox these past few years.
No matter which of the two clubs has been playing there.
But if you browse through that particular chapter, it clearly says:
“Chris Jack of the Evening Times will eventually write a definitive piece about the situation at Sevco”.
Well guess what?
Chris Jack has pulled a rabbit out of a hat!
Mr Jack is always prone to a bit of optimism about developments in Sevconia.
Indeed, he seems to struggle to comprehend the possibility that things might not always pan out spectacularly well for the Light Blues and their Sevconian ‘Legions’.
The Evening Times newspaper (I believe it still masquerades as a newspaper…) is wholeheartedly committed to cheering on Sevco and cheering up its fans, and Mr Jack is always prepared to shoulder the burdensome responsibility.
But today he has excelled himself by providing a spellbinding assessment of the
“key areas the new boss will have to focus on in his first few days in office”.
The piece is largely devoid of minor contextual details such as Sevco having little money, encumbered assets, limited retail income, and the ever-looming spectre of Creditor Mike.
Mr Jack acknowledges that the immediate future will be “a frantic, fraught spell” but avoids sounding any actual alarm bells.
Chris makes it clear that the object of the exercise for the Senior Sevcomeisters is to achieve the following:
- Getting promoted by winning the Championship (no pesky play-offs please!).
- Challenging in all the Cups (not just the elusive Petrofac Cup, but also the Scottish Cup and League Cup); and
- A team which “can be built on to potentially challenge for the Premiership in the 2016/17 campaign”.
Quite why a three-year old ‘club’ in the second tier should expect to do any of these things is beyond rational comprehension.
But I almost forgot! These are the PretendyGers, and by default they should…errr…be crushing everyone in sight.
At all times…
That Sevco has failed to even become a decent Gretna Tribute Act – having failed to secure three successive promotions despite spending the entire reserves of the Federal Bank of Sevconia – really ought to cause concern at the Evening Times.
But it doesn’t.
Instead, Chris Jack treats us to a straight-ahead piece about all the things that need to be done to pull off this miracle. Without any meaningful assessment of the chronic difficulties that might just make it difficult.
The section entitled “Strengthening The First Team Squad” gives you a flavour of the whole piece. It includes these wonderful lines:
“Additions will be sought in every area of the team and significant investment will be needed to ensure Rangers don’t falter in the second tier once again.
A goalkeeper, right back, two centre-backs, left-back, a couple of midfielders and attacking reinforcements are needed just for starters at present.
The recruitment process must be clearly thought out and strategically planned, with any funds spent used wisely rather than the scatter-gun approach that has been present in recent years.
If youth players show potential, they should be used as and when possible but it is first team starters, and Premiership standard ones, that need to be on the shopping list this summer”.
It sounds so straightforward when put like that!
They just need a masterplan for success that includes completely rebuilding the team. To be started from scratch a mere seven weeks before their new season begins in the Perpetual Failure Cup.
Just as amusing is the deadpan delivery under the headings “Put Plans In Place For Pre Season” and “Who Stays And Who Goes”:
“While teams across the country have their friendly fixtures pencilled in on the calendar, Rangers have yet to confirm who they will play before the first competitive ball is kicked next month and no trip or tour, like the one that saw them head to America twelve months ago, has been announced.”
“Once those decisions have been made, the rest of the first team squad will have to be analysed and information gathered about the players in the Murray Park ranks who could potentially make the step up next season”
Put plans in place? When the closed-season is already upon us?!
Analyse the players?! Do they not already know who they want to keep?
What have they been playing at?!
An alternative article might have asked “What the hell is going on? What have they been doing since early March? PANIC!!!”
But that’s not Chris’s style. And it is not what the Sevconian readership wants to see – despite some rightly concerned voices being in the Sevco blogosphere..
The piece really is a masterclass in the art of pretending “they are the Rangers and the pieces can surely come together to ‘restore’ the ‘club’ to its ‘rightful place'”.
Just as long as they can find a manager and come up with a plan, eh Chris? Against the challenge of a ticking clock and tanking bank balance…
The kind of guff served up by the Evening Times and others doesn’t educate or inform the reader.
It doesn’t offer any critical alaysis which might cause the reader to engage with the issues surrounding the plight of the Ibrox club and its potential impact on Scottish football.
It doesn’t even call out the people running the ‘club’ for their apparent inertia at a time of crisis.
If you are a Sevco fan, Chris’s piece might give you a tingle of optimism about the future. “If we can just do these things, then all will be well”.
But it won’t cause you to think “Bloody Hell! We are in trouble. This needs sorting. Where’s the plan? Where’s the money? What’s been happening since the EGM?”
The ONLY beneficiaries of this piece are
- People doing media studies courses who wish to consider examples of “what not to do” in a newspaper; and
- People who want to laugh at Sevconian delusion.
Thankfully there are no people in the latter category anywhere in the world…
But just in case you were inclined to ask Chris Jack about the plan and finances for Sevco, he has kindly drafted some thoughts in another piece.
And they are absolute crackers…
“King set to return for Rangers rebuilding job amid Ibrox manager hunt”
Apparently the Komedy King is “now poised to get down to work ahead of what will be a defining summer on and off the park for the Gers”.
Which begs the question of what happened to the Internet, telephone and the systems whereby one can transfer money electronically since he was deemed ‘Fit and Proper’ by the SFA? [Or even before that if you don’t buy the argument that he couldn’t ‘invest’ prior to the SFA’s decision].
It also makes you wonder what Baron Bouffant Paul Murray and the rest of the board have been doing since early March.
No matter. It is all going to be fine now.
Dave King is on his way. To do stuff!
But he mustn’t hang around:
“With the clock ticking to Rangers’ first competitive match of the 2015/16 campaign on July 25, time is of the essence for the board”
YOU. DON’T. SAY. CHRIS.
The choice of manager is apparently a key priority.
McCall is interested. Mark Warburton has held talks. McInnes has been ‘linked’ with the job. And as for Olympiakos manager Vitor Pereira…
“While it is understood that he was impressed by the club, the potential move fell through early this week.
But the Portuguese now faces a fight to retain his job in Greece after the Olympiakos board took a dim view of his interest in a move to Ibrox this summer.
If Pereira is sacked by Olympiakos, the door could open for Rangers to make another move to entice him to Scotland, while Aberdeen boss Derek McInnes has also been linked with the top Gers job”.
Stop laughing at back! And at the front. And as for you in the middle…. you should contain your guffaws too, please!
But the biggest laugh of all – and proof positive that the Scottish sports MSM is entirely predictable all of the time – comes towards the end of the piece.
Billions of Bampots around the world punched the air with delight and went to collect their winnings when they read the following:
“And SportTimes understands those close to King feel the situation is so critical that it could require the return of Walter Smith for a third spell as manager this summer.
The 67-year-old stepped down as boss four years ago and as chairman in August 2013 and has previously moved to distance himself from any formal role at Ibrox once again.
But the idea of a move to bring Smith back to the club could be put to the board if they are unable to make an appointment sooner rather than later”.
This kind of thing completely defies analysis. You can only point and laugh.
Which turns out to be a highly-developed skill amongst Clumpaneers.
Finally, amid the tsunami of effluent it should be pointed out that Mr Jack made one valid point today:
“[King] will look to get the fans onside as quickly as possible as Rangers prepare to unveil their season ticket price structure”.
Too right. It’s now all about how much money the King regime can get through the door via season ticket sales. Everything they do and everything that is said by the media has to be viewed through that prism.
But you knew that already.
Because you are much cleverer than our media would ever give you credit for.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and please…