Scottish Cup, Scottish Football, SFA

His Big Mikeness, Josh Meekings and The One-Armed Man

“You know me Charlie. Always amicable…”

Good Evening!

It’s been a lively few days in Scottish football. There have even been a few matches played to add to the excitement, with Celtic and Hibs each picking up valuable points and moving on [yes MOVING ON….] from the disappointments of the weekend…

The SFA and match officials have given a master class in general administrative brilliance and straight-talking. The way the Meekings farce has gone, I was convinced we were going to get the “it was a one-armed man that did it” excuse at any moment. This – to be fair – would at least have given officialdom some cover when they all agreed that they didn’t see the ball strike his missing arm.

“Look! There! The ball struck his…oh wait…”

Almost everyone has questioned the competence of referees, and there have been demands for them to undertake some retraining. Frankly it is needed. I stumbled across this extract from “Anatomy For Beginners”, which has long been compulsory reading for our match officials…

Lesson 85.
Lesson 85. “A Scottish referee holds a football with his face…”

Josh Meekings should have been sent off, but wasn’t. He ended up before the Judicial Panel and the Compliance Officer’s complaint was thrown out. Fair enough. That bit of the saga is resolved.

But blimey, didn’t we hear some OTT guff about the charge against him? There are good arguments to say he was was made a scapegoat for the mess that the match officials made, while others felt he’d deliberately handled the ball and deserved everything that came his way. We had emotive statements on the ICT website, people sending in money, and a petition demanding that he be allowed to play in the Final.

The Clumpany even heard that a Josh Meekings charity single was imminent. I quite fancied the limited edition ‘head-shaped’ vinyl.

It's a head. No really. A HEAD.
It’s a head. No really. A HEAD!

The media have continued to fret about the awesomely terrifying spectacle of Celtic [*whisper in case it upsets people of a nervous disposition*] sending a letter to the SFA asking for information about how the handball was missed. A FIFA Vice-President said lots of clubs do it, and Celtic were well within their rights. However, other commentators seemed in need of a lie down…

“Celtic think they are so big that they had a divine right to get to the Scottish Cup final… they need taking down a peg or two”

In a forensic yet sensitive piece, Mr Durham congratulated Celtic on their letter and public statement:

Well done Celtic, your extreme arrogance managed to spoil the highlight of an honest pro’s career. You should be ashamed of yourselves

Rumours that Peter Lawwell has had a word with Santa Claus and asked him to not deliver any presents to the Meekings family this year remain unconfirmed.

But the highlight of the piece were the immortal lines “Imagine how Rangers fans felt when the authorities banished their club to the brink of non-league football. Now that’s being robbed“.

There is a lifetime’s work in dissecting the craziness of those words both individually and collectively. But as part of the Clumpany’s efficiency drive I will simply point and laugh. Please feel free to join me…

Cheers Peter.
Cheers Peter

Speaking of the downtrodden end of Fitba, how are things in Sevconia?

Well, John Brown reckons he knew what Charles Green was going to do when he bought the assets of dead Rangers [NB For the avoidance of doubt, he didn’t actually use those words…].

Yes John. You and everyone in the world apart from the 500,000,000 Sevconians who fell for the charms of the tea urn-wielding maestro from Yorkshire…

Some of the Sevco Board finally made in into the presence of Mike Ashley yesterday.

“I’ve been expecting you, Mr Murray”

“AMICABLE MEETING!” gushed the MSM, without providing any detail or using upbeat phrases like ‘positive’, ‘constructive’, ‘lucrative’ or ‘Champions League-guaranteeing’… This led some on Twitter to speculate that the meeting might not have gone all that smoothly… Cue a blog from Phil Macgiollabhain:

Phil suggested that the audience with His Big Mikeness (HBM) lasted a mere 10 seconds, and that the meeting with his team largely consisted of a pitch for time and money. It will be interesting to see how this one pans out. Especially with pay day looming on 30 April… Surely HBM knows real staunchness when he sees it for a few seconds, and will be generous with his cash?!

“Do you expect me to talk?”
“No Mr Murray. I expect you to di…vest Sevco of even more retail”

Finally, the search is on for Dave King. We know he has been providing the SFA with fit-and-proper related information, and we know there was talk of investing a somewhat shifting amount of money. But almost 7 weeks on from that “victory” at the EGM, Sevconia is not yet dancing with joy beneath a deluge of his cash.

The patented Clumpany Speculatoryscope has been activated, and I believe that Dave King could be trapped in the Sevco warchest. Having accidentally dropped a Rand in there, he hurriedly went to retrieve it, fell in and the lid closed on him… Don’t worry Dave, there are 500 million Sevconians looking for you and your money. You will be found!

“Paul? PAUL? Is that you? Please leave me in here…”


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